Where from here?

I got an invitation on Wednesday to apply for a role heading up an AI implementation. I was equally tempted and intrigued. It might be interesting and just the challenge I need. I can’t do it, though, not until I’m properly healthy and working full time, not until all my appointments are done, and I feel I have the energy – both physical and mental – to do a job like that justice.

The broader question is whether that’s the path I want to continue along? I tend to think it isn’t, but what else can I feasibly do? A role such as this at least has the virtue of being vaguely interesting, as well as being nicely remunerative.

There’s plenty of work around at the moment, but it’s a bit like the old phrase for me: water everywhere, but not a drop to drink. A couple of months back, I had an inquiry about whether I’d be interested in joining a consulting firm. The answer to that these days is definitely not, but I couldn’t anyway.

I’m scheduled to work six hours a day at the moment, but I struggle to manage that with my daily hyperbaric sessions. That’s okay, I’m much in credit, and they owe me.

I struggle, regardless. Now we’ve reverted to a BAU phase, it’s not motivation that’s the big problem, but interest. It all seems so small.

It seems to me that I rouse when presented with a challenge, or a problem to solve, or when cleaning up the mess that’s been left me (with a waspish shake of the head). I struggle with the day-to-day ordinariness of the role.

The problem is, I don’t feel ready to take on a bigger project. There was a decent project in the offing, but when it was diverted, I was happy. It’ll be someone else’s responsibility, while I’ll act as the SME and cast before them my hard-won experience and pearls of wisdom. I’m beginning to think that’s the perfect scenario for me going forward.

I dislike project management, always have. Compounding that these days is that I doubt I have the necessary stamina to do it properly. There’s a lot of talking required for a role like that, and that’s a problem, too.

I had a bad day with my speech on Wednesday. My tongue felt too big for my mouth and sounded like it too. Yesterday was better. Today, somewhere in between.

A lot of it is in my mind – I feel unco when talking becomes difficult. And it does get difficult. I need to concentrate hard to get the words out intelligible. It becomes tiring, and the more tired I get, the harder it gets.

It’s Friday; I don’t need to worry about it now – but I will have to before too long.

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