A couple of hours ago, I heard a song from the eighties that I loved at the time. Wherever I Lay My Hat was first recorded by Marvin Gaye, who is one of my all-time favourites, but I reckon the version by Paul Young is one of the rare occasions the cover is better than the original.
One of the reasons I loved it so much was that I identified with it. I was young and, looking back, it seems a pretentious notion, though typical of someone that age. How naive I was – and how ambitious, in every way.
Later on, I realised there was some truth to it, though most of that came after the eighties had passed. Besides one passionate love affair, I was elusive and hard to pin down. I liked the company of women but was restless by nature and unwilling to commit to one option over another.
Some years later, I remember a conversation I had with a female colleague one Friday night at drinks. Somehow the question rose whether I was a womaniser or a player. In her version of things I was too decent to be a player, but I was a womaniser. She didn’t seem to mind and admitted that women like men who take an interest in them and find them attractive. I was popular.
Those days are gone, but it may surprise that I wouldn’t mind going back to that version of myself. It was fun – but really, what I need now is someone to grow old with. That’s not news, but the desire is keener now.
Going through the tribulations I have you find a lot of things that change forever, and also that things that always were now become plain to you. The facade falls away and you see clearly.
It’s taken me a little while to accept some of the things I’ve found. I wrote a post to Facebook last week where, among other things, I wrote about letting things go. That applies equally to letting go of old ways and patterns as it does letting go of the things that hurt you.
I feel again, and realise I think, that it’s time for me to go my own way again (another great song from the seventies, and about letting go). Years pass and times change and it’s easy to remain in the same groove, refusing to accept that things are different. I’m different. So are others. We’ve diverged and I don’t have the energy or interest in trying to draw the boundaries together anymore.
I would get upset sometimes, but that was unfair. People are themselves. You can’t go and blame them for not being the person you want them to be, no matter that once you were in perfect sync. I’m letting go.