Let me sleep

Generally, I wake up just before 7am, and if I don’t, Rigby will remind me. I’ll listen to the news on the radio and then get up, feed Rigby and sit down to take the medication prescribed to me by the hospital – which now includes a couple of panadol. Then I’ll go back to bed with a dairy drink.

If I’m not going to the hospital, the day is pretty dull – a combination of reading, audiobooks, music, and TV. Because I’m short of energy, I’m generally in bed by 9pm, though there’ve been a few nights I’ve been up later watching the footy or a movie. By 10pm, the light is out.

Sleep is coming harder to me now. The receding numbness means more tender spots and in strategic areas – my hip and my face. It’s tough to get comfortable, and the quality of my sleep has declined in the last week.

I finally got to sleep last night at around 11pm when my phone chirped, waking me up again. It was a mate sending a meaningless message, and at that moment, I was furious at his utter thoughtlessness. I didn’t get to sleep until after midnight and slept poorly. All the signs this morning were negative, and I considered staying in bed all day to claw back some of the resources I lost.

There’s no doubt that as each day passes, the pain gets a little worse. I’m just about on permanent pain killers now, and it will only worsen once my treatment begins. It’s a fact of life, but I’m certain I will need something stronger than panadol to manage it.

In ways, it’s all about timing. If the treatment was starting a couple of weeks later, I’d be more confident believing that I had healed sufficiently to avoid the double whammy. Though I’m hurting currently, most of the pain is indicative of the healing process. In time – probably 3-4 weeks – I reckon most of the healing will have completed and the pain, presumably, much diminished.

I don’t have that luxury and know that the treatment will aggravate and slow the healing in my head. I’m heading towards a world of pain there. My hip and groin should continue to heal undisturbed, I presume, though as I weaken, that may be delayed also.

It seems unfair that I should have to deal with two compounding sets of pain. Hopefully, the healing is quicker than I forecast.

I’m certainly walking better and further, though I begin to feel it in my hip if I walk too far. I’ve progressed from a shuffle to a limp, but when I’m fatigued, the limp becomes pronounced.

I’m probably feeling some anxiety about what’s to come, but expect that will settle once I start. And I presume it will take a week or two before I begin feeling the combined effects of radiotherapy and chemotherapy.

I know that from here on in, I must maximise my strength and get quality rest when I can. You never know, it might not be so bad.

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