Necessary aberrations

I had no intention of turning this into my cancer diary. A few months ago, the idea would’ve been unthinkable. A few months later, though and cancer dominates my life.

I remember the day after I had my episode – two weeks ago today. After a night of drama I lay in my bed with my arms outside the covers parallel to my body and stared at the ceiling.

I lay like that for hours, not sleeping, so denuded of vitality that I couldn’t do more than blankly stare, taking in th3 dim sounds of activity around me.

I had no energy, nor any interest, in doing anything more than that. What little strength I had was needed in making good all that I had lost in the night previous.

I was conscious of this and despairing in a way that a man so inquisitive and mentally active could be reduced to something only a little more than vegetative. It was that which roused me to try something finally. It was later in the afternoon by then. I had lain still for maybe 6 hours. I reached for my phone and headphones and searched for music I could passively listen to. A little later, I began to send a message or two.

One thing I learnt in hospital is that activity begets more energy. Once you start – once the rust is shed – you find the energy to do more. Often, it’s the first step that is the hardest. It was like that on that day, and I found once I started, I began to loosen up. Within an hour, I was out of bed and sitting by the window, just to prove it.

I’d never felt like that before. That it was only two weeks ago feels surreal considering I’m now home and sitting on my couch.

I look at this time as being outside of life. Everything is abnormal, but hopefully, it will pass. It’s something I must endure while regular life is suspended. It’s a necessary aberration, and I hope cometh the new year that I can look back at a block of 4-5 months and think, thank God it’s over.

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