Bang!

Tomorrow is the big day, though I haven’t had confirmation from the hospital yet.

On the surface, I’m pretty good, but I had an interesting sleep last night.

I haven’t dreamt much lately, at least, nothing that I recall. Last night I had a dream about sharks. I’m pretty sure it was related to the surgery tomorrow – repressed anxiety. Following that was something that I’m not sure if was a dream, or if it was the crazy, nighttime thoughts that come when the defences are down.

I imagined myself waking up from surgery and panicking at the tubes coming from me, particularly that of the tube coming from my throat. Suddenly I feared I couldn’t breathe and my heart went wild.

I imagine it will be confronting when I first wake up, particularly trying to figure out if I still have my right eye. Praying that I do. Now I’ve got this other thing in my head. It’ll be strange knowing that I’m breathing through a tube, and the array of tubes will likely be intimidating. But I expect also that I’ll be half out of it. I doubt I’ll rouse much energy. Guess we’ll find out.

I’ve mentioned how I’ve lost much of my appetite over the last month or so. That’s still true. I don’t feel off so much as disinterested, which is odd for me. I have a mighty appetite normally. I could eat a large pizza by myself easily, and do regularly. Right now I might go a couple of slices and that’ll do me. I wouldn’t order a pizza though because it does nothing for me now.

There’s a risk surgery may affect my taste buds. I hope not. If it does, it might only be temporary. I’ll be truly pissed off if it’s true.

There’s been a similar effect on my libido. Not fussed, not much interested, the whole thing. I took that personally as it feels so much a part of your identity. Did this make me a different person?

The good news is that it’s returned to me in the last week. It may be a bit of the condemned man longing for what he can’t have. Hopefully, I can and will have, and imagine that time – perhaps December.

And I’ve just heard from the hospital. 6.45 tomorrow morning. Bang!

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