Still waiting

I had a moment last night when it hit me hard. I got all tight and grim, and it was not that I suddenly thought the worst. It was the uncertainty that got to me.

I was told that the results from the biopsy would become available any time between Monday and Thursday, and no call came yesterday, nor yet today. I felt no less bullish, but I just wanted to hear it, goddamnit. Tell me, tell me, tell me now!

To stay positive and believe requires that you scrape together every reason you can think of, together with a stubborn determination and a little bit of fanciful belief. You inflate yourself a little to protect yourself from what might otherwise be true. It’s wearing, though, and so it was last night for about 45 minutes, it failed. I felt grim, not knowing, knowing that until I was told I was okay, there was a chance that I might not be. Then I regathered myself.

I’m betting I won’t get a phone call at all. I wouldn’t be surprised if the results came through yesterday, but they’re saving them to tell me at our appointment tomorrow. I’ll absolutely die if they tell me the biopsy was no good, and we have to do it again. But I have to deal with whatever comes. No choice in it.

Part of the complication in this is that I’m in the public health system and other elements have to be followed up. I reckon that would automatically happen in the private health system, but now it’s left to me. I’m not paying anything, and I’m not complaining.

I’ve been trying to chase up a hematologist I last saw about 4 years ago. I understand why it has to happen, but I suspect it’s very much a non-issue – but it has to be ticked off.

She’s a private health practitioner, and I’ll be lucky to get the info out of her without an appointment and another $200 bill. There isn’t the time for that, though, and it’s only a few simple questions that need to be answered: why am I still on blood thinners? And is it safe for me to go off them for 10 days so I can be operated on?

In a general sense, I feel healthier than I have for a while, though specifically, there’s still (very manageable) pain.

I’ve made an effort to minimise the painkillers I take and think that makes a difference. I delay as long as I can before taking a tablet, and then only one. That means some discomfort, but it also means that my head is a bit clearer.

This morning was a bit different in that I couldn’t rouse myself from bed until about 10.30. I felt totally sluggish. Yet, in contrast to the weeks previously, I’m actually struggling to get to sleep.

It came easy to me before and as great comfort. It’s no wonder when you consider how much painkiller stuff was swirling through my system. Most of it has the side effect of drowsiness, so no surprise.

By now, though, I figure the excess of that has leached from my system, and though I still take the same painkillers, and they don’t have the same killer effect as before.

Otherwise, I’ve been productive sorting out things for my move on the 26/7. I’ve just about arranged removals, though it will cost me a mint, and am in the process of organising the transfer of necessary utilities. I’ve managed to offload a few things I no longer need, such as a portable aircon yesterday and a filing cabinet and old wooden wine rack before that. And in the last couple of days, I’ve packed up another 5 boxes or so. I reckon I’m 75% packed.

Good to get ahead of the curve because I don’t know what’s coming up behind me.

PS I just heard from the hematologist – I’m good to go, as I thought.

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