I put on my good jocks this morning. I have a few pairs of what I would describe as ‘good’ jocks instead of the everyday jocks I wear purely for function. The good jocks are kept for hot dates or going out generally. They’re the jocks you want to be wearing in case you ever get hit by a tram or if you have to take your dacks off for the doctor.
In recent times, I only get to wear the good jocks when I visit the doc, but it’s becoming quite regular. The other week, I had to put one of those awful hospital gowns on when I got my CT scan. When I headed to hospital last week, I figured there was a good chance that my pants would come off then, too – not to be, thankfully. And then today, when I had an ultrasound on my left leg.
I wouldn’t have bothered about my leg, except that I had a DVT there a while back, and you tend to be a little paranoid. I’ve been having very minor pains in the shin when I start moving. Been happening for a couple of months, and I only mentioned it to the GP just in case. He sent me for the scan.
I was there longer than I figured I would be, but only because they took it more seriously than I did. The good news is that there’s no sign of a new DVT. The bad news is that I have to see a vascular surgeon nonetheless. Looks like I might have some varicose veins playing up. I’m happy to leave them as if I can be assured the condition won’t worsen.
All of this plays into the medical narrative I’m living through at the moment. Sheesh. More than anything, I roll my eyes. Enough already. But I’m pretty cool about the whole thing right now. It feels strange that so much is happening at once, but then it only confirms me in the intention to get everything right now while I can. If there’s shit happening, the challenge is to stop it from happening.
I’m still in pain. It was easing up, but then it woke me again last night and hit me again today. I wonder if the painkillers are losing their potency. It wouldn’t be a surprise.
It was so sharp this morning that I went back to bed for a while. It was like I had a bad toothache at the same time as I had a bad headache. Sitting in front of a bright screen trying to work doesn’t seem to help it much.
I went to bed and sent messages from my phone. Officially, I’m half working – that is, I work when I feel right. Generally, that’s when the painkiller has kicked in and before I get too drowsy. The problem is that while people laid off me for a few days, now they’ve started hammering me with jobs that need to be done pronto. I worry that I end up agreeing to do things I might struggle to complete. I’m too ashamed to say no.
I went to my direct manager and explained the situation. I asked if it might be better to just take time off until I have my surgery because I can’t guarantee availability otherwise. He agreed it was. I feel bad about that, though. I’m so heavily indoctrinated in holding up my end, regardless of how I feel. And, there are still a couple of things that need to be done anyway – I can’t go and dump them on someone else.
So, I got out of bed and set some wheels in motion. I feel a bit better now – more numbed than in pain. Tired though, but that’s almost a given, even with sleeping 10-11 hours a night.
The thing is, it would be nice if they were more proactive and understanding. I don’t know if I’m unreasonable. I tend to think my direct manager gets lost in situations like this and doesn’t know what to do. Beyond him, I’m a resource.
I spoke to one of the vendors I’m friendly with last week. I told him a little of what was going on with me. What are you doing working? He exclaimed. You’re crazy.
The difference is that he sees me as an individual he kind of likes. He’s not trying to get anything out of me. I’m a person to him, rather than a unit of production. That probably sounds a bit bolshie, but I don’t feel it accept to know I want to get out of the place.
I’m always reasonable, which can become a problem sometimes. I was brought up to put others before me and with a sense of duty and ethic. Very old fashioned, but it is what it is. I can be outspoken and aggressive, but in a good cause, I would think. I’ll do my bit, but I won’t cop bullshit or lies.
I think I’ll make a call at the start of each day and maybe make it for two-day blocks to make it simpler. I have to hope that I’ll start feeling better soon, even without the surgery. I have another appointment with the GP on Thursday and the Endocrinologist on Friday. Thankfully, I think I get to keep my pants on both times.