A few days on…

Relatively speaking, I’m feeling better now. I still woke up with a headache this morning, I have a touch of nausea (from the meds, I think), and my head still feels bent out of shape, but the level of discomfort is around the 6-7 mark, whereas it was 8-9 earlier in the week. I can function okay with this, but I now wonder why I even tried to work earlier in the week. It seems insane.

I’m working now. There’s a bit to catch up on, and there was a bit of a clamour for my expertise in my absence, which I think quite telling. Yesterday, the big project I’ve been hanging for finally got approved. It’s a big deal, and it justifies any increase in salary on the table. And, I couldn’t care less.

Illness has a way of simplifying things, particularly when you’ve had a scare as I did. When you’ve got a screaming headache, everything else in the world ceases to exist. The pain is everything. It overwhelms you, and nothing else matters.

Even when the pain passes, you’re left wondering what’s really relevant? In this case, I also had the momentary belief that I had cancer. Even when you learn it’s not true, it echoes through you. I’m still processing all that, and there’s a fair way to go before it lands. Right now, it calls into question much of the activities that seem to constitute normal life.

I’ve never had much of a filter when it comes to work – or other things, either. I see little point in saying anything other than what I think, and if I’ve moderated it in the past, then it’s by saying nothing rather than something untrue. Returning to work and dealing with issues, I’m much inclined to slash through the Gordian knot but saying what everyone else is thinking or should be thinking. I’ve already put my alternate view on one issue.

Looking forward, I still have a bit of a journey to get my health right. I’m totally dedicated to that. When you’re crook, the old adage about having nothing if you haven’t got your health rings very true. I don’t want to live this way, and I want to do everything I can to maximise my health.

I don’t know that there is much I could have done to stop the sinus issues, but there’s also my health surrounding that. I’m back to the Endo next Friday, and I’ll go down on my knees asking what I can do to help myself. From now, my health comes first.

For the first time in my life this week, I felt like a sick person. Like everyone else, I’ve suffered from bugs and infections and occasionally more serious stuff, but I’ve never felt more than unwell – a passing inconvenience, a disturbance to the norm, rather than a condition of mind and body.

When I felt so wretched earlier in the week, I felt as if I had become a sick person, on the way, as such, to become one of the people I spoke of earlier in the week – the chronically ill. That was an awful thought. It felt a state of mind foreign to me, as otherwise, I’m still robust physically and active mentally. It’s just that the condition felt insidious, and I had images of it eating at me from inside.

I feel more sanguine now, but the answer to what I really want remains unknown. I’ll play the game before me and expect it will become clearer.

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