Necessary evils

It’s funny, this life. I’m sitting here utterly exhausted, but I suspect it’s mostly mental. Like most days, if not every single day for most of the last six weeks, I’ve been out twice today. Once, in the morning, up to the shops to get some groceries, then in the middle of the afternoon to walk Rigby. For the rest of the day, I’m at my desk and half of that time in meetings. That too is pretty standard.

It’s not really taxing, except by repetition. It’s my strong impression that online meetings drain you over time. I don’t know what it is, whether it’s faced with a bright screen all the time, or being tied to it by headphones, or perhaps even the often inane, pointless nature of some meetings. Or is it the sheer routine of them? Half of my meetings are at the same time every day, and just the prospect of them becomes dreary.

I’ve tried to change things up a bit, not that there’s a lot you can do. I attended a meeting yesterday just listening in while I did some ironing. Another meeting today I connected to by phone – camera off – lying on my bed, just for the variety of it. There are severe limits in how much you can do in general when you’re basically confined to your home for 22 hours plus out of every 24.

I would guess that my experience is pretty common. The fatigue – for that’s what I feel – is mostly psychological. With nothing to freshen up your outlook, without anything to look forward to and the absence of anything spontaneous, it’s all pretty drab and very predictable.

I’m not complaining, just observing. It’s funny, I’m at home, but I feel like a holiday. The kind of holiday I need though is exactly the kind of holiday denied to me – and will be for the foreseeable future.

Thankfully, it’s had no impact on my performance and negligible on my state of mind. I’ve accepted all this as a necessary evil and set myself to endure it for as long as it takes. It could be much worse. I’m healthy, and I’m actually managing to save money through this pandemic. Others are having a much worse time of this than me.

Now, as routine dictates, it’s just about time to log off, which means it’s time to mix myself a drink and think about dinner. I’ll sit in front of the telly later, then to bed to read for about an hour, then sleep, to wake again to another day of this. So be it.

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