The tide over my head

I’ve booked myself a session on Saturday with a therapist specialising in an Asian healing method called Jung Shim. Among other things, they promise to re-energise you. That’s exactly what I need. Almost.

What I really need is a decent holiday that is restful for both body and mind. I was actually discussing it with a mate last week. I was saying I had to get away and mend myself. He recommended to me a health farm in Goa. I’m at the stage when I’m just getting by and can’t expect much more than that without making a change. Something has to happen.

Ringing the therapist was an act of near desperation. I woke up yesterday feeling pretty ordinary but went to work. I soldiered on till about 1pm, by which time I was running a fever and feeling very uncomfortable. This has become common to me. I don’t think I have a bug or anything. All the tests I’ve had recently came up negative. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with me except that I’m dreadfully run down. I’m full of toxins.

I reckon for the last 3-4 months I’ve averaged around 70% of my usual health. Sometimes it peaks a bit higher than that, but often it drops well below, and I’m really struggling to manage. Compounding the issue is that I’m sleeping terribly. I had a patch recently when I was sleeping very well, then suddenly it dropped away drastically. My sleep tracker tells me I was averaging in the high nineties, but the last couple of weeks that’s dropped away to as low as forty-odd, and averaging about 60. Most nights I’ll fall into a deep sleep very quickly, but after forty-odd minutes I’ll begin to rouse, and for the rest of the night I’ll sleep lightly, beset with dreams, and frequently waking.

When I got home yesterday, I went to bed to rest. Last night I turned the light off an hour earlier, and though I slept poorly again, at least I had an extra hour of it. Today I am better than yesterday.

Whether a symptom of, or cause – or both – my mental health battles contribute to the general problem. I manage, and in a work environment am still highly functional, but it’s not a lot of fun at the moment body or mind. It seems to me there are two basic states of mind I exist in, but with different aspects. I’m either in a neutral state of mind, as I am now, neither happy or unhappy, but focussed on moving ahead. Or I’m suffering from a form of sadness, which presents in two forms. Often, particularly at work, I feel as if I’m skating on thin ice and may fall through at any moment. It’s a very precarious, uncertain feeling. The other type feels much like a tide rising in me, the sadness slowly encroaching. I can feel it filling me, but I can do nothing about it and feel a sort of resigned sorrow. Soon it will fill me, and there’s nothing I want to do, or can do, really.

All of this goes together, I’m sure. I need a break, both mental and physical, but that’s not possible. Maybe November I could, but no sooner. I have to survive until then. And so as a last resort, I seek out alternative medicines hoping they can do for me what conventional medicine hasn’t.

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