Ups and downs, better days and days not so good, I guess that’s the way it goes. Today is a good day. Yesterday wasn’t.
As a general observer it’s interesting how the perspective shifts. When it’s good there’s no dramas. What’s the big deal, you wonder? If you’re me you just plough ahead and do it. The way seems clear, an unfettered horizon beckons.
The bad days are much less often. I probably had them before, but I just powered through them more or less. That’s changed recently because I’ve decided not to do that anymore, and probably because I’ve had many more days like that in the last few months.
When it’s not so good there is a range and variety of experience. It’s rare for me, but in fact there have been days lately when I wanted nothing to do with anyone – and most particularly, didn’t want to be burdened by responsibility or expectation. Mostly I remain functional, but there have been moments when even that was a challenge.
Will, I find, is the big issue. Strength of will has always been one of my leading qualities, sometimes consciously so. I hated the idea of being beaten or giving up, hated the notion of not trying or failing to respond to a challenge. It was that attitude that powered me on when things got tough, but it’s an artifice when it’s employed like that. Now I find it hardest it’s my will that gives way – the will to act, to be proactive, to really try. I overcome that – every time so far – and it gets easier as things fall into place and you find the effort is not as strenuous as you feared.
When it’s bad I struggle through. There remains some conscious intervention to get through the day, but it’s necessary. What I find when it’s tough is that I happen across a sub-conscious insight I’m oblivious to when I’m sailing along.
Yesterday, unbidden, came the thought: I don’t want to be the man I am. That’s no huge secret, I guess, given all the things I’ve written about lately and the changes identified – except I didn’t mean it, or feel it, in that way. I was walking along and there it was suddenly and what it meant – I think – was that I don’t want to be corporate anymore, and all that it represents. If I was to drill down the real issue is that I don’t want to be a part of the mediocrity and politics and backsliding and compromise and lack of courage and so on. I could survive, I think, in a truly competent organisation, or else doing something in which I didn’t have to engage with any of that.
The other notable thing yesterday was that I felt incredibly tender. I wondered if I was falling in love and I was ready to go with it. I thought about it on the way home and figured that I keep such close guard on myself, and have ruled myself out of relationships for so long, that any relaxation of that leads to a flood of (repressed?) feeling. I’m much more vulnerable now than I’ve been for maybe forever and so I’m ripe for it.
Is it a bad thing? Is it a false thing? I don’t know – I certainly don’t know on a day like today when I’m on the upswing. Yet an insight I gained from that is that if it means I’m open and raw then it can’t be too bad. I become glib and smooth when I’m cruising along, and that’s a problem.
There’s a middle way, I’m sure. Am I falling in love? I doubt it. I’d like to though, and even with all my ups and downs, I’m open to it too.