Home with my fantasies

I’ve done well this winter. There’ve been sick people all around me and a lot of sick days taken but other than a day off I’ve not been crook enough at any stage to justify a day home sick. Until today.

In all honesty I’m not terrible, but it’s uncomfortable to do anything, and plus the more I rest the sooner I’ll get over it. I’ve got a classic cold, all blocked up, body aching, can’t keep warm. It started coming on yesterday when the back of my neck and across the shoulder blades began to ache. I had sniffles. Later I got the coldness, which seems to come from the inside out. I got up to go to work this morning but without any conviction. I felt a bit wonky so back to bed I went thinking, I’ll just rest up for a bit.

I went out before to get some groceries. It’s a nice sunny morning. Coming back I started to feel hazy. I’ll spend the rest of the day doing nothing.

It’s not a great day to be away, and I took that into consideration. I’m still busy and today I was expecting something important to come through. On top of that, the applications closed yesterday for the job I’ve pitched for and there’s a possibility I might have heard something today. It can wait.

One thing I might do is lay back and reflect on certain things. I’m someone who benefits from deep contemplation. By ‘benefit’ I mean it feels good to consider these things but it’s rare that anything tangible actually comes of it.

Anyway, I’ll be thinking about women today, one of my abiding fixations. In general terms, I’ve stepped back from everything right now. There were some interchanges with some girls from work a little while back, but that’s not something I want to get into. I’ve kept it friendly since, and no more than that.

I was in a meeting last week sitting next to a woman I’ve spoken about before, attractive, elegant and fun, and we always connect. She put her hand on my leg under the table at one point and I don’t know if it was done unthinkingly, but much as I like her I’m interested in her like that. Work plays a big part in everything and I’ll only waive those reservations for someone I’m certain of.

Someone new started last week and for a brief period I was bewitched by the gap in her teeth. That can happen. She seems a lot of fun and I moved into flirtation mode without thinking and she responded, but I’ve pulled back now. It’s a dangerous game these days and besides, half the time I do these things out of habit. I’m a compulsive flirter, which probably explains why I have better relations with women than I do men.

Then we circle back to A. I’m putting no effort into her now, and haven’t for a while. Occasionally we intersect and the conversation veers between polite and flirtatious, either one or the other. In either case, I don’t place much stock in it. It’s got to a curious stage where I’ll tease her sometimes, daring her to respond. I don’t think she realises it, but I’m half taking the piss. It’s like I’m on the outside looking in, bemused by the situation, waiting for her to figure it out but letting it go until then, and if.

I’m cool with the situation, but now and then lately an image flashes into my mind of the delighted smile she gave me when I surprised her on the station platform. I wish we could be friends but I’m not as invested in it as I was before.

There, that’s much of the thinking I might do – except when I’m rugged up warmly in bed I might allow my mind to slide down a particularly alluring possibility or two, just for the fun and fantasy of it. You’re allowed to do that when you’re sick.

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