Doing my thing

It’s rare that I post anything on a Friday night. Generally, I’m either out having a beer after work, or else home looking forward to a night watching the footy or a good movie.

Tonight I’m home, but I’ve been so busy this week that I’m taking the opportunity to catch up a little. Besides, I have words in me.

I actually want to write about the girl. I’ve had little to do with her lately. I’m busy, she’s busy, the opportunity doesn’t come up, and I’m not going to force it. Up to today I don’t I had anything to do with her since last week. I hadn’t even set eyes on her in that time, and no big deal.

I both saw and communicated with her today. I had to pop upstairs to meet with someone and there she was. I was up there about 20 minutes and when I left I didn’t stop by her desk as I might normally. I was running between getting things done, but also very conscious of not doing things just for the sake of it. Possibly she expected me to stop by, I don’t know, but it wasn’t long before I figured I was the bad books.

How do I know that? I guess there’s a combination of things. You sense it in the body language. Then she’s non-responsive, and when she must respond it’s very curtly – none of the smiley faces, nothing personal, not my name when she addresses me, everything blunt and shorn of ornament.

Why then? I figure it’s for one of two reasons.

Either it’s because of my enigmatic Facebook post of about a week ago in which she possibly identifies herself (I had another person think it was them I referred to). We’re not Facebook friends so I don’t know how she would have seen it but through a mutual friend, but whatever. So maybe she’s upset at that.

More likely she’s unhappy I haven’t made a greater effort this week. You fall into patterns, and often when it’s men and women the men do the wooing and the women are coy. That’s been our pattern too, though my wooing has been more of a friendly nature. This week though it’s been missing – because I’ve been busy, like I said, and because I’m doing what I feel.

It’s important for me to be natural these days. I express it as I feel it. If I’m feeling fond of her I’ll show it. If I’m distracted by other things then I won’t pretend something that’s not in me. I want to be sincere – true. I feel no less for her in any empirical sense, I just haven’t felt the need to prove it.

On top of that, I’m in pretty good order these days. I feel on top of my game and when that happens I flow. I’m real easy with everyone, and everyone likes me because I’m fun to be with. She’s seen that, she even experienced it obliquely, and maybe when she sees that she wonders if she’s really that special to me. I’m not pining. I’m happy and bubbling, whether she’s a part of it or not.

There’s a part of me that feels like teasing her, and effectively I am in some ways. When it’s like this I don’t how it plays out, but I don’t really change my ways. I send her the same bright email as always (or sometimes merely the briskly efficient, but all in character) knowing that she’s just as likely to want to punish me for my inattention. I smile when I receive the curt response. By now I know it, and I feel like teasing it out, sending her another bright response just because. I don’t – that would be forcing it. I let it go.

It’s important I maintain contact with her. She may bat away my hand today but next week may take it. I’ll keep doing it for as long as it feels real. I’m not offended by her anymore, but at the same time there’s only so much I can or will do. Or should. This is me if she can recognise it – I’m tender and affectionate and I’m true. Above all, I aim to be completely authentic. In the end, she must make that decision – I’ve made mine. Her decision may be ultimately no, or just as likely I’ll fade away before she makes a call. That’s life. I’m here, I’m cool, I can only be true to myself.

I still don’t know what will happen but remain convinced she is intimately aware of me. I hope so. She looked particularly delectable today.

Till such a time I’m just doing my thing.

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