Inshallah

I’m in a Friday afternoon state of mind. Been working hard this morning and yesterday with complex, mind-bending stuff, but I’ve sent it off now all done and it’s set off the day. I’m in a wise-cracking mood, inclined to put my feet up and wait for the drinks trolley to come around at 3.30 to have a brew (yes, we have a Friday drinks trolley, just for now). At knock-off I’ll roll downstairs for a happy hour cocktail before heading off just in time for the footy. The weekend, from this perspective, is all cream.

There’s no good reason why I should be in such a light-hearted mood. All the news about the car is bad – the engine is blown – and the bill mounts. The encouraging discussions about possible job opportunities have come to an unsatisfying and disappointing naught. And I continue to be frustrated at work, notwithstanding some temporarily diverting work. And so on.

Truth is I’m in a different space these days. This is only a moment and nothing’s too bad anyway and I reckon sooner or later things will work out more or less as I want them to. I feel good in myself, confident and fit and strong and sharp. And the writing is going well. There’s not much point in worrying about anything.

This generally accepting state of mind extends to most things. There are things I can do, and things I can’t. Things worth worrying about, and other things not. My best option is just to be myself and not vary from it.

That includes the girl, who has begun to warm to me again. It’s still halting and hesitant, but hey, there were weeks we didn’t speak to each other. This week she’s made an effort up to and including contriving a circumstance whereby I was asked to assist her with a project, throwing us together. I admit, it’s made things a lot easier.

I still don’t know what I want from her, but that’s hardly the point. I just want to be square and honest with her, in a situation divested of the baggage and crap the last little while has been full of. I know I like her and I’m happy to like her, but if that means I end up liking her a lot more, or if I don’t, is in the lap of the gods. I’m happy to find out and follow the path where it leads as long as it’s true.

It’s easier like this. I’m true to myself and what I feel. If it marries up to her or if it doesn’t is outside my control, and if it doesn’t then I guess I know my answer. I’ve never been a fatalist – I was much too aggressive and impatient for that – but I’m more than content that led things run their true course, come what may.

For what it’s worth, I think we’ll be friends.

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