There was a time, back in 2008 I think, I felt somewhat like what I do now. That was when I was caught up in a tricky relationship with a girl who had a boyfriend back home in England. It was a tumultuous, difficult time that left me wondering what was about to happen next. As a result I felt unusually uncertain, though it was situational rather than personal. I felt as if everywhere I looked there were signs and portents, and I sought them out. I’m definitely not experiencing that now, but what I have in common with that time is a sense of extreme sensitivity, and often times a feeling of great tenderness that seems to sweep over me feeling tender and gentle. I don’t mind it, but there is a precarious sense to it as well.
This time the cause is the decision I made at the beginning of the year. Looking back it feels as if I’ve levered open a door that had been long rusted shut. Through it now are coming all sorts of unexpected feelings and thoughts, and unforeseen events. The very act of doing so seems to have changed my personal climate, which has become volatile and uneventful. By opening up things are happening, one after to another. It’s challenging, though not in the sense of it being difficult – more so in that it keeps asking questions of me. That’s no bad thing.
It feels like it’s been a busy year, the most recent events as noted the emergence of my step-sister, and an ex-girlfriend coming back onto the scene. All over I’m being engaged much more than ever before. I have become much more candid and open on Facebook, so much so that people have commented. It’s very much out of character, but feels right for the moment. Nothing is really different except than my sensitivity has been dialled up, and the things that normally I would keep to myself I’m now putting out there – and people are responding, as if my candour permits them to be just as open. I feel a great amount of goodwill.
This will not go on forever. I’ll retract a little, though it will be a natural thing. This is a phase, but at some point that way of thinking and feeling will be instinctive, with no further need to prove or test it. It will be me.
The only real inconvenience right now is the situation with the girl, which continues on in quiet tumult. It’s felt quite intense at times, and at times she has been forthcoming – but then she withdraws again. I’m less concerned than I have been in the past because at least now I have put it out there, and she responded. All the same, I feel moments of frustration. I still like her, but more and more I’m backing off from anything more than friendship, if that is at all possible. I’ve given reasons before, but here is another, emerging in the last few weeks. We have a lot in common, but in one key attribute we differ: she’s a polished insider, while I am forever and very happily an outsider. That may be a good combination for all I know, but it doesn’t feel it just now.