Busy days for H. Work pisses me off oftentimes, and with good reason – but right now I’ve sunk my teeth into some juicy projects, as well as the haunches of the lazy and careless. I’m tasting blood, but they have it coming.
Otherwise, everything else seems busy too, even if not much is happening.
I’m a bit busier socially than normal, which is welcome. Off to see Benjamin Law tonight, which makes a nice change. I guess I feel caught up and busy from a psychological aspect to.
I set myself a challenge this year, and I’ve really settled into it now. In truth, it makes for about a 10% difference in me, which is not a lot really. Early days it was tough going and uncomfortable and because I didn’t know how to go about it the way ahead seemed as if navigated by a compass too close to a magnet. As I said, I’ve now adjusted, much of me is as I’ve always been and pretty comfortable with that, and the rest is becoming easier and more natural. It feels the right thing, and as if I’ve opened the door for some overdue good karma.
I was asked yesterday in my examination if I was stressed or unhappy. The usual answer when it comes to stress is that there’s plenty to be stressed about, but I don’t really feel it. As for how happy I am? Things could be better, but I feel I’m on the right road, and that counts for a shitload. On balance I’d say I’m hoping for better times, but content they will come.
The girl is a curly part of that, but as I say, I’m pretty fatalistic about it. I felt some guilt early on thinking she might believe I’d taken a set against her. I’m now comfortable that I’ve proved to her otherwise – what she wants to do with that is up to her. I’ll take my lead from her – right now it means we’re polite but not talking. It feels sorta strange and unsustainable.
Many moons ago, H was a much more expressive character who took great delight in language. Maybe I was a bit of a show-off, but really I just got a kick from the rich vein of expression that flowed from me, and I was as funny as hell. I got high on the performance, and at my best, I’d have an audience just waiting to applaud. I was in my early 20’s then, full of every conceivable male pheromone. I had swagger, in the walk and in the way I talked.
I don’t want to get back to that, but I want some of it back. What happened is over the years I became more reserved. Some of the delight went out of the performance and suffering from the occasional heartache and disappointment, I had less reason to be ebullient. Came the time I didn’t care what people thought, whether they liked me or not, whether they thought me witty and smart or everything otherwise. I couldn’t give a shit basically and so rarely made an effort.
It seems a bit sad when described as that, but there were occasions throughout when I’d randomly fire up, either because the chemicals were just right or because I chose to let it rip for a change. It was all the more surprising when people encountered this version of H when all they’d known before was the other H. (To be square, some people think I’m charming most of the time, and certainly there have been women I’ve turned it on for – from my perspective though there is a world of difference between who I was before and who I became).
So, I want to be that person more often. I want to care about it, and I want people to enjoy – and even delight in – my company. I want to occasionally dazzle with my wit and look forward to my insight. This is a part of opening up – the things inside being brought outside once more. I’m aiming for a February start, but am feeling it already.