Switched on

Hot days in Melbourne and controversy at the AO as the players complain that play should be called off when it gets too steamy. That’s sure to happen today if the temperature hits the forecast high of 42.

It makes for hot nights too. Lucky I’ve now got decent air-con, but it goes all night. It doesn’t make for a perfect sleep, but it’s better than tossing and turning.

The office should be a cool refuge, except that the corner of the building in which I suit cops the brunt of the sun. Better than being outside though.

Amid all this is me. It’s been a curious year so far. I placed myself in a position of vulnerability which has taken some getting used to. I’ve been contemplating my future here as well as navigating the complex emotions wrought by the uncertainty in dealing with the girl here I like. That got quite difficult at one point as it seemed we had reached an impasse, and I felt responsible for it.

It has not progressed not much beyond that point since, but it has progressed. Much of the complexity was on my part – what did I want from this? What did I really feel? How do I parse this into real life, working in the same office? At times I took quite a fatalistic approach, which was healthy and felt sensible: there’s no rush to this. The old fashioned ‘if it’s meant to be it will happen’ notion got a run, but grounded much more practically: there was a connection before and, inshallah, it will be there again. Be patient, let it be.

In the last 24 hours something ticked over in me. You get caught up thinking about the other person so that sometimes you forget about yourself. I think I realised that I really liked her, which released a flood of positive feeling through me. Endorphins, I guess. I felt a benign glow. There was something fatalistic about that too: accept what it is, enjoy it, be it…

As a part of that it’s like the sex switch was dialled up. It was already on – it’s never off – but it was supplementary to everything else. Suddenly I had the raw and intoxicating taste of sexual desire. Grand feeling, that. I felt like I embodied it.

That’s where I am now. I can only be me, and I can only be open. I don’t know what the path back is – lines of communication must be re-established – but if that can be managed I think everything else will flow.

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