These last few weeks have given me a good insight into the difference between doing and being.
What you do is generally a function of who you are – your being. That’s the natural way of things as it was – with exceptions – for me.
I say exceptions because few of us are one seamless, uncomplicated being. We each contain contradictions and flaws. We have issues and hang-ups, but what generally it means that who we are at a certain point is given expression through our actions.
That was true of me in large part, except that there was a significant swathe of my being I kept separate from the world. That part of me rarely expressed itself in my words or actions. Instead the persona that was true for the other 80% of me was given 100% coverage. I might think something, I might feel something, something might be true of me in that moment, but I kept it close to me. To the outside world there was no difference in my demeanour, and over the course of many years it became established and habitual.
I’m now trying to break that habit. I want to give true expression of that self, but it’s hard work because it is not natural.
My solution has been to act in that way. That means doing things which I think give expression to that side of me. It’s not real though, certainly not a true expression of that being because I am forcing something that might otherwise flow naturally. I am given some satisfaction by these acts, and in fact have felt moments of liberation. It is only embodied in those random actions though. I am confused and lost when I am not doing something because I have no achieved that openness of being.
I don’t know that I have many options if this is what I want. I think if I do these things often enough it will start to become real, and there is some merit in that if only because I am normalising something which till now I’ve kept secret. The problem with that is that there is a limit to what I can do. I can’t go about telling everyone my story, nor do I want to. But if not that, then what?
The idea is that by doing this that suppressed part of my being emerges. Ideally, with time, it blends into a whole – not 80% this and 20% that, but rather an honest 100% with degrees of perspective and natural bias one way or another as the situation dictates. It should flow, but that is some way off.
This is not about changing who I am, it’s about allowing myself to express authentically all the time. I’m not about to become less driven or competitive. There will be times when I come on strong. I recognise that it’s okay to be glib, to go the one liner, but not when something authentic or real is expected or needed – no more deflections. I wish to express the sensitive side of myself more often, be honest with people and open. I don’t really get hung-up on status or anything like that, but I felt shame at what happened with me and was proud enough to keep it hidden.
It might take a while this, but I think it will come in increments. At the end of it I should be a whole being, an everything I do will be an expression of that.