In a pickle again

Sometimes I’m a silly billy. It’s almost predictable. I make things so hard on myself that I end up painted in a corner. It’s now happened again.

You might recall a few weeks back how I was interested in a girl, but then backed off in awfully typical manner. I re-considered then. A large part of me knew I should go for it, that my reservations really didn’t add up to much. But countering that was the fact that I work with this girl, and that’s a serious consideration for me. I’ve been with women I’ve worked with before, and in fact I’ve loved some of them – but it’s so awfully awkward, and often messy, and almost always ends up bad. I don’t want to experience that again, and so I was left in a kind of limbo.

Rather than make a call I chose to pause, but with someone like me it’s never as easy as that. For a start things already have some momentum of their own, and to call a halt creates ripples. Then also I’m the sort of dude who when denied something then wants nothing more than the thing denied – even when it’s self-denial. So the more I said no the more I felt yes. This created a disturbance in me, a conflict I couldn’t resolve. And in the background to all this was Christmas approaching, and the tinge of sadness I felt with it upon me.

Here I am then. I feel awfully conflicted and unsure how to act. And if you ask me I couldn’t really tell you what I want.

Part of me feels a yearning to just let it happen. I like her. She’s smart, she’s attractive, she has a great attitude, and she reads. And she likes me. I’m awfully scared though too. I fear getting involved with a work colleague, I’m afraid of being hurt, and in this day and age scared of it becoming messy. The result of all that is that I’m confused and withdrawn.

I’ve got next week off. Hopefully I get it sorted out then. I’d hate to think I miss out on a friend because of this though.

I tell ya, for a smart man I get myself in an awful lot of pickles.


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