Had a series of dreams last night where I encountered women who looked at me with affection and sadness. I know none of these in real life, but in the dream, it’s clear that at some time in the past I’d had a ‘thing’ with each of them, and for each of them when it ended they were left frustrated and unhappy. For me encountering them, I felt a mix of yearning and affection, sorrow and regret. I had loved these women, and in ways, I did still, but it was only now I realised what I had lost.
I woke up with the dreams fresh in me. I lay there in the hour before 6 am thinking about the dreams and then responding in my mind to one of the women in particular. She was the woman I had loved most, the woman who had loved me best too. She was there in front of me as I responded, having by now slipped back into a waking dream.
“I loved you,” I told her, “but there were so many things I wanted to do. So many places I wanted to go, things I wanted to try. I didn’t understand, except that I thought because I couldn’t promise 100% to you that I couldn’t commit. I was ever like that, with everyone, not knowing that things might end or time might pass. I was wrong, and now I know it. I’m sorry for what happened. I should have known better, and should never have let you go. I loved you, and will always love you.”
As I’m telling her this, she is looking at me with tears in her eyes. I am full of regret, and while I hope she will forgive me, there is a part of me hoping she will give me another chance. Too late, I have realised that she was the woman I truly loved, and the thought that I will be separated from her for the rest of my life is piteous.
There’s a lot of sense in dreams sometimes. They tell the story I’m afraid to admit to.