In lieu of solution

I’ve taken a day off tomorrow because I need a break from work and because I’m feeling very tired, and because there are things I need to do.

For most of the last year I’ve felt fit and well and often full of beans. In the months since Christmas, and in the last few weeks particularly, I’ve felt that trail off. I’ve got a cough that won’t go away for which I need to get some medication, but otherwise feel bone weary. It’s hard to get a bead on that. We’ve had a collection of very warm nights in which sleep has come hard and is unsettled when it arrives. On those days you wake feeling bleary from the get-go. There’s a bit of that.

There’s a bit of other things too. I reckon my situation at work has sapped a fair bit of energy from me. It’s my experience that you can be flat-out working on a demanding project with barely a moment to pause and not feel a bit of it. In fact I’ve experienced the opposite. The sheer need to act and do is a generator of energy, as well as a consumer of it.

The funny thing is that I feel worn out by work more often when I’m doing nothing than when I’m doing something. The day drags by and the mind dulls and the eyes grow heavy. If it’s just a random day at work it’s not a problem, it quickly passes. But when, as it is with me right now, there are more days than you would like combined with a general dissatisfaction then the malaise creeps up and inhabits you.

I don’t think I really need rest. What I need is a mental detox, but I’ll cop a day off in lieu of that.

Not that a single day off is going to do much. What I need is a break, if not an actual, real life holiday. Change of scene, different things to think about and concern myself with. It’s been so long. I find myself increasingly sentimental about my trips abroad. I’m remembering them more and more, but in all reality a few days down the beach somewhere would likely suffice.

So I’ve got a day off and I’ll sleep in and then go and get Rigby washed and pick up some pills and look for jobs and maybe I’ll do some cooking. I’ll probably squeeze in some writing too, but then come Wednesday I’ll be back at work again and needing another day off.

This is the cycle I have to break.

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