Another one down

I had a dream the other night about a woman I used to see. It was a vivid dream and it was so fresh in me when I woke up that I sat down and sent her a very quick email just checking in.

I haven’t seen or spoken to her for a couple of years, and last time we met it was in a city bar where we discussed, among other things, becoming a parent. She was really feeling it. I was sympathetic – I too wanted to become a parent, but it was much more feasible for her than it was for me.

This morning I got an answer from her, just a few friendly lines and a photo – the photo of a small baby.

I had such mixed feelings. On the one hand I felt an immediate lift seeing the kid and reading the happy sentiments that went with it. It felt like a story with a very happy ending, and I wondered what had happened in these last 2 years – obviously much.

At the same time it felt like another one down. Another woman I’ve been close to hitched up and maternal. At the back of my mind I wondered, probably without reason, whether that could have been me. I had the feeling that had I been more enthusiastic back then perhaps I might be a dad today. I remember sending her an email after our meeting sensing that I had left her dissatisfied. She never responded.

That’s just silly speculation, not the least because it’s no more than speculation, and is probably disrespectful to her. Anyway, there’s nothing I could have done – the reason I was not as enthusiastic as I might have been was because it was not possible for me in the situation I was then, or even now.

I’ll find out. We’re catching up for coffee soon.

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