I’m Facebook friends with maybe half a dozen women I’ve had something to do with in the past. No biggie, except lately it’s hit home a little.
One is a woman I had a passionate affair with about 20 years ago. She was unhappily married at the time, and fell for me a Christmas party. That first night was intense, later sitting in Fitzroy gardens after midnight while she told me her story, before making out. She was getting out of her marriage and was intent on getting me. She was the first to vow that she would – and I told her she was wrong.
We had some great times as I reflect. Tumultuous sex and inappropriate moments shared with gusto. She was my date to my stepsister’s wedding. She was a great and attractive woman, but I could never commit to her and so she drifted away.
Now I see her on Facebook happily married and with 2 great things and while I have no regrets, wonder a little at what could have been.
There’s another who committed herself to getting a ring on it. I knew that wasn’t going to happen either. She’s married now, and had her first kid about 18 months ago.
Then a few weeks ago I saw a post from a woman I flirted with new years eve 2 years ago. She was funny and bright and attached herself to me for the early part of the night, before I slipped away to flirt with others. Now she has a baby too.
It’s human nature to wonder at the choices you’ve made in life. Whenever faced with the fork in the road I’ve always chosen the fork that maintained my sense of independence. I would argue that each time it was a legitimate choice – I did not feel as they did, and did not feel what I thought I should. But how life might have been different! And – let’s be blunt – probably better.
Now, after the tribulations I’ve been through, I’m trying to get back to some of that, but I’m not the same attractive proposition I was then. My stocks have fallen.
I had this reinforced to me during the week. Given what I’ve gone through I’m up front with my situation. I don’t want anyone to get into anything without knowing the truth, ugly as it is. The other week I met with someone who was interested, but intrigued. What where my dark secrets? And so I took a deep breath and told her, though very much the condensed version. At the end of it she agreed, my, that’s a lot – then basically told me, thanks but no thanks. It was too much for her, and fair enough.
I don’t take it personally, but you feel it at a metaphysical level. It’s a reminder of how actually shit my circumstances have been.