Take me, or leave me

I mentioned the other week about how I hoped to get serious about finding a woman to be with this year. My preference is to meet and connect with someone the old-fashioned way, but it’s 2016 and the new-fashioned way is via online dating sites. I’m no novice when it comes to that, and have had some success over the years. What’s different now though is that my situation is different. It’s what makes it difficult, and puts constraints on me. It is what it is, I can deal with it, but only if I’m up front. I don’t want people getting the wrong idea about me. I don’t want to have to explain or apologise down the track. This is me, how I am, take it or leave it – and so this is the new profile I’ve just finished writing:

I don’t want people to get the wrong idea about me. I’m not here to gild the lily. You’ll either like what I have to say, or you won’t. There’s no point in being anything else but completely honest.

The idea of being honest is easy, what’s hard is translating that into a few hundred words of objective ‘truth’. In other words, whatever I write here is only a small part of me, and then no more than my truth.

When I was growing up there was a big hit by Gerry Rafferty called Baker Street. It’s a good enough song, but it’s only in recent years that I’ve come to appreciate it. Whenever it comes on the radio now I stop and listen to it because the words and the story they tell feel like my story.

He writes of giving up the city and buying some land, of giving up the booze and the one night stands, but he knows it will never happen. Me, I’m hoping to make it happen, though I’m not sure about the booze.

I’m a strong believer in experience. You only get one go round so you make the most of it. For me that’s living to the hilt. I’ve had a life of variety and speculation. I’ve never been interested in the conventional. I avoided having a career because the steady progression seemed too tame for me, but managed one anyway by doing my own thing. I’ve travelled a lot and drunk in the sights, and absorbed the little bits of personal wisdom along the way. I’ve caroused and flirted, and tried to live as well as I could – good food, good wine, interesting company, and vivid experiences.

At the same time I’ve been as passionate about knowledge as I have about experience. I love to learn and ask questions. I look up at the stars sometimes and feel awe enter into my soul. I read all the time, and consume news as if my life depended on it. I like to understand things, if I can, and have an opinion on everything. Like I said, I want to use everything up, but can’t imagine not being this way. I’m not a passive spectator.

There are risks in my lifestyle. I’m one of those people you hear about who had everything, then lost it all. I didn’t have everything, but I made a lot from little. Had I been a different person I might have consolidated, but where’s the fun in that?

I’m as hard as nails, but I’m also creative, imaginative, enterprising by nature. I sparkle with ideas. I’m all for pushing the envelope. I pushed too far and fell a long way.

It wasn’t fun, but it has been interesting. I learned a lot. I wouldn’t recommend it to anyone, but I suspect one day I won’t be completely sorry for the experience. You see, you find the size in yourself when you’re pushed to the limit, and it gives perspective to your ambitions.

I’m slowly dragging myself from the hole I fell into, and have a long way to go – but am confident I will get there. To my great surprise I find myself virtually unchanged by the experience. I know more than I did then, have a finer appreciation of the important things, and perhaps am a better person now, but otherwise, despite all, I remain undaunted. I’ve had things happen to me, and can take some blame for that, but I remain just as enterprising as ever, and have added some wisdom to my intelligence.

I’m not a safe catch. I don’t want to be that. I’m interesting though, and I’m my own man. And I believe I will get back to where I was before.

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