Down, but never out

In a little over a week I start my new job. It’s a modest job, but in a proper company. It’s in the middle of the CBD again, and while it’s not a lot of dough it’s more than I was earning before. It can’t come soon enough.

I have practical concerns. Dollar-wise I’m running on empty. Rent is due next week and I’ll be about $1,200 short. Plus there are other bills. I’d rather not be short, and even starting the job a week early would make a big difference, but I guess I shouldn’t be impatient.

Practical considerations aside I want to get in and at ‘em. I don’t think I’ve ever been as consciously motivated as I am now. I’ve been plenty motivated most of my career, but it’s been subliminal almost, the sort of thing a cocky type like I was takes for granted. I’d strive and fight and it worked for me, but I was also cool and nonchalant. I did it on my terms.

It’s much rawer now. I’m almost angry with motivation. It’s impatience mixed with desire and probably a good dose of score settling. For one reason or another I’ve been led down the path I find myself. It’s not a pretty place, but I’ve survived it, and will continue to do so. Now is my chance to prove that it doesn’t define me, and to prove this is just a detour rather than a destination. It’s personal.

My plan is get in the job and take in the lay of the land. The job was easier to get than I expected. I have a good CV and credentials, but with little relevance to the role. I did well at the tests, and my references were glowing. From an experience point of view there are many others a long way ahead of me, which has proved to be the case with other applications. Right from the start though I had the feeling they wanted me. I wonder if they have other plans for me.

Regardless of plans, if any, I will look to advance quickly. Best way to do that is to excel at the job I’m being paid for, show initiative, and meet with the right people. It’s a corporate environment, which gives me more confidence – I know how corporate works, can play the game, look the part. They want results, and if I can help them produce them then I’m ahead of the pack.

I’m impatient, but can’t afford to be too impatient.

I will also look at other jobs while I’m there. I was hamstrung in my last position by a commitment I made not to look for other work while I was there. That was noble, but potentially costly. I have to look out for myself. I want to climb and keep climbing. There was a time when I was jaded by work, button I feel refreshed and hungry for it. Bring it on, the tougher it is the better.

I’m not sure if I’m coming out of ‘this’ yet. The signs are positive, though it will be tough for a while yet, and possibly even a long while. I feel battle hardened though. I think there’s a sharper edge to me now than there was before, but also more depth. I don’t know that I’m a better man, but feel as if I’m capable of functioning at a higher level.

For me this is mind and body. Right now I’m in a groove that I wish to maintain. I’m focused and alert and confident. My mind is sharp. Parallel to this I’m in better physical shape than I was, and hardening all the time. The trend is positive.

The challenges right now are real – rent, etc – but I’ll find a way to surpass them, as I have before. The other challenges are on hold. Despite the decision to go bankrupt I’ve not executed that as yet. The ATO returned to me confirming they would not release me, but unexpectedly said they would not seek the outstanding debt from me either. It’s not a solution, and has strings attached, but it is better than what I was facing, and is victory for persistence and pig-headedness. It would never have happened had I not resisted so belligerently.

That’s the attitude I take into everything else. 2016 is a big year. New job, and possibly more. At some point my book will be ready to go, and it;s a cracking story. And I’m following up on my other ventures. Come Christmas I aim for happiness.

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