Here and now and times to come

It started storming at a little before 7 this morning, long before it was forecast. It’s wet outside now, the sky a smoky grey, the garden green slick with rain. It’s warm, and I sit here typing wearing nothing more than pair of shabby tracksuit pants. I sold my desk last week to help finance my life, and moved my Mac onto the dining table, which is where I sit.

I should report that the job I thought was mine last week is confirmed so, assuming that nothing untoward comes up in the police check. It’s nice to have something to fall back on, but as the job doesn’t start till January 18 it’s not yet real for me. In any case, I need to survive until then. That won’t be easy.

I’m glad to have the job, but not overjoyed. It’s better than having nothing, certainly better than being homeless, which is what nothing entails. But it’s not anything but a temporary solution, and I have to know that. I’m still losing, just not losing by so much anymore.

I have a shitload of things to deal with. As many as I tick off more come onto the scene. I wish it was easier, but I’m accustomed to it. When you’ve been in battle so often you become quite good at the hand to hand stuff. Still, I dislike it. I don’t want to be like this. I battle on multiple fronts, to various degrees of success, but thus far – touch wood – to no worse an outcome than a stalemate. I’m belligerent, stubborn and articulate, and that helps, but I can’t help but think it poisons the meat.

This job will resolve none of that. It will be enough to scrape by, but the open wounds will remain weeping. As I’ve said before, that’s not a life I’m willing to endure.

This job will help to stabilise my prospects, but I’ll be looking further afield for something better. And I still hope to do one of the transformative courses I wrote of last week – I just don’t know how. These are the immediate issues. Longer term I am sure I’ll find my way out of the dark I’ve been living in. There’s many years to go, I remain capable, strong and determined, and even if I need to tweak who I am or what I do there is a way.

It’s so easy to be caught in the here and now. Necessary in a way. You need to deal with things, otherwise you’re lost. You have to be clever. That’s how I am, day after day, in between dealing with the people and organisations who want more out of me.

The here and now is only the here and now though. It’s not forever. As I’ve said a million times before, the wheel keeps on turning. I look forward to the day when I’m me again. I’m curious to find in what form that will be. I have a feeling it will be interesting, and possibly quite rewarding, and maybe even meaningful. It will be my second coming – but when?

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