Ok, I hate doing this. For a start, I’m meant to be anonymous, right?
Secondly, I’m a lone wolf eh? Proud, and proudly old-school, reluctant to admit to weakness or ask for help. Right?
Thirdly, well it’s fucking self-indulgent. It’s all about me in the worst possible way. I don’t do that either.
And yet here I am. Doing it. Exposing my face to the world. Not just asking for help, but exposing my life, my frailties, to the world to see. And guess what, it may be slick and modern, but what I’m doing is pretty well beg:
Why am I doing this? Well, it’s pretty self-evident. I can’t survive without outside help, divine intervention, or possibly both. As an atheist I can’t count on divine intervention, so I’m asking the world for help.
It’s been quite a journey. It used to be that I wouldn’t dream of posting anything here too emotionally revealing. That’s easy when you’re on top of things. There’s no need to reveal anything, and probably not much to reveal anyway.
It’s a different story when it gets tough. Under pressure the fissures appear. It becomes your life, to the point that there’s little you can write that doesn’t expose some emotional crisis. If I had of stuck to the old rules I’d either be posting very little here, or else posting things rendered meaningless by lack of true context.
It’s funny, I read a post of mine going back to 2009. I was complaining about the bad year I’d had. You aint seen nothing yet brother, I thought. I sort of looked down my nose at that earlier me – he had it easy, and was soft because of it.
Things have got a lot tougher since then, but I’m still standing. If next year I had a ‘bad’ year like he described I’d be counting my lucky stars. It’s all relative.
If I have money in my pocket, a roof over my head, food on the table, good health, and purpose in my life then I’m a rich man. Anything much more than that is a great bonus.
So, I’m not asking you to donate – that’s just too crass and pitiful. Good vibes will help me along the way though, so be generous.