It’s the end of the day and I’m writing a post. Mostly I seem to write early in the day, or just into the afternoon. Either it’s the product of whatever I’ve woken up with, or something random.
It’s different when you leave it till the end of the day. The day has passed, or near enough, and for all the energy expended and ideas that have run through your head it’s now all winding down. It’s a time of reflection. Things have been thrown up into the air, now they’ve fluttered to the ground. Now you try and read what it tells you.
This time it’s not just the end of the day, in some ways it feels like the end of what has been an eventful week.
On Monday my sister told me that my father was retiring and returning to Melbourne. It was surprising news. I’m glad of it for his sake, and think it should have happened before now. It will be good for him, and we’re bound now to run into each other. I’m cool with that, I bear no grudges, I just don’t feel any personal connection to him.
Yesterday I went to the doctor. I love my doctor. Not only is she very good at what she does, and very conscientious, she’s also very sexy. I’ve been seeing her for a number of years now and we get on very well – and I trust her. The news, as always, was indifferent. More tests, etc.
Yesterday afternoon I had a ridiculous argument with a friend (soon to be former). I was furious afterwards, shaking my head and thinking I should have known better. He has many fine qualities, but he’s also selfish and self-absorbed, petulant, precious and a complete sook.
Today I was angry still, though willing to forgive. Then I was sad at the situation. Then I was angry at being sad.
Maybe it’s self-indulgent of me, but I can’t afford to have shit like this happening in my life. I have a lot to deal with, and a lot of it’s shitty. It takes most of my resolve and a lot of my energy just to keep going. It’s a delicate balancing act though.
Whether I like it or not I may be strong, but I’m also frail. Something like this – a ridiculous upset and the potential loss of a long time friend (when I can least afford to lose anyone) – feels critical. I’m close to the edge. And so I get angry that someone would be so insensitive, so selfish to act like that.
In recent weeks I’ve been counselling another friend who has been upset by a mutual acquaintance. I tell him you have to accept people for what they are. It’s always tempting to believe they should be different, and conform to our standards. Of course that’s wrong. They’re friends for a reason. And if they’re really our friends then we have to excuse them for the bits we like less for the parts we really enjoy.
The question is, what happens when the pleasure is less than the pain?
That’s where I’m at now. I’m upset by what’s happened, but if it was in isolation then it would quickly pass. Unfortunately the things I complain of now have long been an issue, and not just for me. What I complain are the things everyone knows of him. We’ve let it go ultimately because when he’s good he’s a warm, caring and sensitive man. He’s a lovely person until his ego gets in the way.
I’ll guess I’ll sleep on it, but inclination now is to give him until the end of tomorrow to come good. After that I have to be selfish. I need to survive this, and I can’t do it with people dragging me down.