It feels a very different world today. As I sit here the sun is shining, the sky a brilliant blue, and it’s warm. After a long, cold, dark winter I feel like I’m in a different place.
It’s funny how much weather impacts on wellbeing. I don’t mind winter generally, but this year it was gloomier than most. Those grey days have the effect of closing in the horizons and lowering the sky. You feel you are living in a smaller place and, if you’re unlucky, living a smaller life. That was certainly my impression. But then the sun shines again and anything is possible.
Forecast is that these bright, sunny days are only temporary, and from tomorrow it will be cold and wet again. Must make the most of this then. Soon I’ll take Rigby out for a leisurely walk. On my return I’ll knuckle down to the tasks at hand. Top of that list is finding a job. That’s a very present need, something that I’m always aware of – and so it feels a little odd that I should feel so buoyant. After all, sunshine is temporary, but my situation may not.
It’s because this is on my mind that I dream so much now. I don’t know the science of dreams, but it’s been my experience that I dream much more, and more vividly, when times are unsettled. My dreams become an expression of something – something I can’t define. Sometimes they make some kind of apocryphal sense, but otherwise they are strange and individual, like paintings by Picasso. I had such dreams last night, none of which I remember now, but the fascination I felt observing these dreams lingers in me. Dreams are such wonderful, weirdly intelligent things often, that you can’t help but behold them with a kind of wonder. At least I do. That’s how it was last night.
Somehow the dreams left me feeling positive, and that, combined with the sunshine this morning, has made of me early this Monday morning a bright and hopeful man. It’s at times like these, perversely, that I wonder most at how I have managed so well these last few years. When I am ‘managing’ I guess it’s an act of gritting my teeth and getting on with it, no time for self-indulgence. When I feel on top of things (no matter if it’s an illusion), as I do now, I stop to ponder the science of personal resilience. I won’t bore you now with my conclusions (which are transitory in any case).
Perhaps one of the things that has influenced my state of mind is my writing. On Friday on impulse I opened some long closed files containing stories I have written. Most are unfinished, but one was complete. To my surprise I found the writing very good. You incline to believe that you over-rate your own writing. You exaggerate, and certainly when you’re in the middle of it it’s hard to get a true bead on it. Coming at it a year or two after lends an air of objectivity otherwise absent. The finished story I thought excellent – though I did change a few lines. The other two stories were original in nature I thought, and the writing pretty good, and at times pretty compelling and real. I found myself tumbling into one story particularly, so authentic it seemed.
I sit here on a Monday morning and think this is a true take on these stories. That’s tremendously reassuring. In a time when you’re not really valued for anything I can at least look at these stories and know that I can write at least. That. perhaps, that is what I am. Here is some intrinsic value. So it is now this Monday morning – watch that feeling fade.
Still and all I feel on the cusp of something. I don’t know what. It’s just a feeling. It’s in my waters, so they say.
Right now I have to deal with the here and now. After giving Rigby a walk I’ll return to this desk and set about searching for work again. Later on I have to make a decision. Pending an ultrasound my hernia has been confirmed. Without health insurance there’s a 2 year wait for surgery. I can’t wait that long, but I can’t really afford even the least expensive health insurance right now. I’m holding off on getting an ultrasound till I figure this out. If I get health insurance before health insurance then I’m covered. If I don’t then there’s the 2 year wait.
That’s how it is Monday. I wonder how it will be Friday.