Worth recording this for posterity. Nothing remarkable about the following, except that it epitomises my situation and attitude.
This is a message I sent yesterday to a woman I’ve been flirting with online. The glib comment attests to the general flavour, on my side at least – clever, witty and deflective. There are reasons why, as I explain:
I feel as if I should offer something more substantial. Being glib is my Achilles heel, for whatever reason you might ascribe to it, but in recent times it is more practically useful. It’s been a few years since I’ve felt like I could get involved with anyone, and yet I miss it. I don’t know if I’m what they call a ‘ladies man’, but I’ve always enjoyed the company of women. That I haven’t become more permanently attached as yet is more down to innate restlessness, and perhaps a bit of fussiness – and not because I haven’t wanted to.
As time goes on I’m finding it more difficult to maintain this isolation. I miss the simple things, and some of the big things. Why then am I determined to be isolated? That’s the $64 question.
I’m a man of sturdy principle. My problems are my problems. If I feel I can’t give myself properly then I won’t at all. It seems only fair.
Unfortunately these last few years I’ve had to wrangle a series of catastrophes big and small. It takes a lot of effort, will and determination. It’s exhausting to, in every way, which is one reason I would love to partner up with someone I can share with, and perhaps with whom I can let down my guard. It’s also the reason why I’ve kept myself from just that – it might be good for me, but unfair for the other.
Gosh, it sounds awfully serious I know. That explains why I’m glib. I just have to deal with it; and much as I would like too, am reluctant to do much more than flirt. Though I love to flirt, among other things.
Basically it means you need more than the latest and greatest from Acme. When I’ve got things sorted I’ll be in like Flynn, but until then a magic wand would be handy.
I haven’t heard back from her, and I wonder if I will.