Normality

I have an interview tomorrow for what I deem a ‘normal’ job. Normal for me anyway – the sort of stuff I’ve done before, the stuff I’m good at, enjoy, and made a career of. The sort of work that pays about 5 times more than what I’m currently earning – which would solve a lot of problems.

I’m probably getting ahead of myself, but it’s almost impossible not too when you’ve lived as I have. I started to make a list yesterday of all the things I need to do when I have money again. Beside paying off debt, etc, there are simple practical things like getting car insurance, and more simple, but indulgent stuff like get a take-away pizza, or buy a book.

There’s a lot I could write on this stuff, and maybe it’ll be the subject of another book some day. I’ve learned a lot. Some of it is pretty basic – like what it feels like when your diet is scant and sensible. Or that in this situation you can never escape the sense of being ‘in this situation’. I can’t sit down and read a book like I used to because it feels different. There’s not that sense of being at ease and relaxed because I’m never at my ease. There’s always something, and mostly many things, to concern me, and they never leave me. There is no rest.

I hope and pray what I’ve been living through is no more than an aberration. That’s what I tell myself. I couldn’t live is this was normal life. It’s been a long, long time since I had that feeling, and I look back at it with a genuine nostalgia. How naïve I was.

Hopefully things begin to change from tomorrow.

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