Life in the pressure cooker

Seriously, I feel like I’m living inside a pressure cooker. Sure, lot’s of things have progressed and in general the trend seems to be improving, but I’m still dealing with a shitload of extremely complex and difficult issues. It’s bloody tough.

I got paid yesterday. I opened up my pay-slip and a quick calculation told me that I’m earning about a hundred dollars more in a fortnight than what I used to earn in two days back in my heyday. This has consequences.

I’m back in court on Monday doing battle again. This is not something I can afford to lose. Worst case scenario and the decision goes against me and it’s akin to landing on a snake and hurtling back to where I started again. It would mean, most likely, that I couldn’t continue working in this job.

Then there are the variety of creditors I’m still trying to manage. I’m seeing another financial counsellor tomorrow to help stem the bleeding, but there’s a lot to surmount. There’s personal debt, the ATO (which is massive), and recently the inconvenient appearance of debt related to the massage business.

I’m trying to save the one remaining investment I have, but it’s a financial burden I cannot afford in my present circumstances. There seems no alternative, however.

Then there are the more immediate concerns. I’m living extremely frugally. I’m spending bugger all, but still come up short. I have concerns about my best health as a result. I haven’t had lunch for about 3 weeks, and go hungry more often than not. I ran out of dog food last week and, unable to afford more, have been feeding Rigby a combination of breakfast cereal and cooked rice. Unfortunately it’s a situation that’s only going to get worse.

My rent is due on Sunday and I’m going to be short, which is the last thing I wanted, and not something I can really afford – I need to establish a good tenancy record. Plus my car rego was due over the weekend, something I can’t afford to go without, but can’t afford to pay either.

I was plagued by these concerns last night. I felt burdened and nearing the point beyond which I could carry more. For all my creative thinking I couldn’t find a solution. I was resigned almost to falling short again as a fact of life, with the very real potential of failing sometime in the near future.

I woke this morning pissed off with that. That may well be my fate, but I can’t just let it happen without a fight. I’m sick and tired of being preyed upon. I woke knowing I must do something, even if it is something less than savoury.

For a start I must press for that enhanced role at work. It’s not something I can let drift. I have to make it so, and quick smart. Even just an extra hundred a week will make a difference, but I can expect better than that even if in a part-time role.

Otherwise I have to look at other options. I can flog a few things perhaps, a recliner, maybe my Sonos – much as I don’t want to. I can look at a second job, but that seems less likely given recent history, and other constraints. The other option is a replacement job.

I’d rather not get another job as I made a commitment – but… I have to live. I can’t go on in the present circumstances. Another job seems unlikely considering I’ve spent years looking for one, but there does seem more activity recently, and it’s always easier getting another job when you’re already in one.

Something has to give, otherwise I’m going to go under. Simple as that. I can’t stand around and just let that happen.

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