Treading water

I’m sorry I’ve been so quiet, but I’ve been caught up lately, and living precariously at the pleasure of my friends. By and large things are better, and with further signs of blue sky ahead, but clouds remain, obstinately and frustratingly, and when I say I’m fine remember it’s very much a relative concept in my life.

I can’t remember what I wrote last, but I know it was miles from here. Here right now is Hampton, my old home suburb, except I’m yet to find a home and am existing here at the Cheeses, me on their couch and Rigby in their yard. It’s a temporary arrangement that is dragging on, causing me much angst and embarrassment. I’m grateful for their generosity, but shamed by the ongoing imposition.

There are many things I will take out of the circumstances of the last 18 months, more than I can list here, and they jostle and compete for attention. Right now at the front of the queue is sheer embarrassment, verging on humiliation. It takes different forms and there are many different causes of it, but the worst of all is the need to accept charity from my friends. That’s when it crosses over, when my problem becomes other people’s problem too. I can’t describe how bad that makes me feel, but suffice to say I can’t speak of it to them. For all their generosity and good hearts I find it hard to thank them in even the most simple way. Yes, it’s humbling, but it’s also a sign of how wrong things are that I need others to help me subsist.

Thankfully it won’t be for too much longer. I began working 2 weeks ago, which means income, which means I can (barely) afford a place to live. I’d have thought I’d be in a place by now, and would have been perhaps if it where not for incompetent agents and capricious landlords. It’s Saturday, and I’ve come from inspecting a bunch of properties earlier, three of which I will apply for. Hopefully that means I’ll be able to move by next weekend.

There’s little to report about the job because I’ve yet to actually do any work. The two weeks to date have been filled with training and a comprehensive induction program. What I can say is that it seems a great environment, everyone is friendly and welcoming, and the work appears straight-forward. I’m hopeful it might develop into something else – in fact it must – but realise I have to cool my heels for a few months before that can happen.

On that note, just quietly, I met someone at a party last week who discussed with me the prospect of engaging with them to manage a software implementation program. He was so enthusiastic, and the words kept tumbling from me about the things he must look out for, and so on. I can’t do it though. I’m committed to this role.

Not much more to report. Not now anyway. Just thought I’d post something to dispel any curiosity about what had become of H. Well, here I am.

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