The bends

I was grumpy yesterday, so didn’t write. Sometimes it’ll happen, the surprise is that it doesn’t happen more often.

I was grumpy for reasons that never really change, but which are occasionally refreshed. For the most part I just accept the litany of issues I have to deal with. In my objective mind I am often amazed with what I have come to terms with. I don’t know if it would have been the case a few years back, but now, mostly, I just roll with the punches. If anything I feel a wry bewilderment. I can worry, and perhaps should worry, but find myself putting these things out of my mind because I can do nothing practicable about them. So, why worry?

That’s in the usual run of events, but it wasn’t yesterday. Yesterday I worried because the list of problems had been refreshed. I’d got news that a deal that I was trying to cut had been rejected. If you remember I got a bill arising out of the shop I sold last year because the solicitor stuffed up the settlement. I was furious on multiple levels. There’s been a bit of argy-bargy, including the threats of legal action (from me included), and I discovered that my solicitor is decidedly dodgy. Ultimately the best course of action was to cut a deal. That got knocked back, and in the way of things set off a domino effect of likely outcomes. I woke yesterday realising that my plans of moving into a home of my own in March was now very unlikely.

Once something like that gets in your head, everything else joins the party. I don’t write a lot about this stuff, in part because I just don’t want to be so maudlin, and because it’s not always present in me. I compartmentalise it. There are things I need to deal with at some stage though.

Let’s see. Most pressing is my housing situation. In 10 days I have to be out of here, and have nowhere to go. I’m pessimistic about finding anything, though I might have a place come Feb. I’m still waiting to hear from the Dept of Finance about my ATO debt – $40,000. I have to go to court sometime soon to plead my case in an appeal I’ve made regarding old fines. I’m still trying to deal with my creditors via a financial counsellor who is well meaning, but sloppy. On top of that I have creditors now after me in regards to the shop. I have bugger all income, and the money I have slips through my fingers much quicker than you would think. And so on.

All that was present in me yesterday. It’s there still, but I’m not grumpy today. These are things I just have to deal with, one by one, as they arise. I remain unbelievably positive. Unbelievable in the sense that I don’t quite comprehend it myself. Sure, I have a good attitude, but basically it comes from some other place I don’t understand. There are practical reasons to be positive. I’m smart still, and maybe the smartest now I’ve ever been. And I know I’m resilient. I’m determined and persistent. And I’m fortunate to have a buoyant spirit. It just floats to the surface. I still believe I’ll make it right. I just need to hang in there and work hard. I had Donna to dinner last week and we discussed it, and I said I felt like one of those salmon who have to swim upstream. It’s tough work and no guarantee of making it, but it’s worth it if you do.

On top of all that the spy is surprisingly taken with me. I’m more wary than her. I don’t believe in getting too caught up too soon. I’ve been in this situation a few times before, and experience tells me it’s very easy to be enchanted early doors, but to go easy on it. I figure embarking on a relationship like this is akin to a diver coming up to the surface from the deep. They say you should not ascend any quicker than the bubbles from your tank, otherwise you’ll get the bends. I reckon relationships get the bends too. Don’t take it too quick, let the bubble precede you.

It presents to me another issue I have to deal with. If it proceeds much further I must open up about my parlous situation. I’ve shared bits and pieces, but not the full story. It’s daunting, not to mention embarrassing, possibly even humiliating.

I don’t know if it’ll get to that point. Like everything else, one day at a time.

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