About 15 years ago – a time almost inconceivable – I cottoned onto a song that for a fair while epitomised everything I hoped for when it came to love. This is not something you would talk about, either then or now, though it’s okay to post anonymous commentary on it. The song was I Need Love, by Luka Bloom. For a while I thought it was a great song, and though I haven’t heard it for a while reckon it’s still pretty cool. I listened to it all the time back then, as you do when you riff on a song and a feeling. Yeah, I thought, that’s what I need to, and that’s how I need it.
About that time I was falling in love, and so the song had a particular resonance for me. I listened to the words relating them back to what I felt, and looking at her. Ultimately I ended up including it on a mix tape that I left under her pillow as I took my leave.*
I make mention of this now because of the dream I had the other day, and wondering what song it was I dreamt of. It wasn’t this, but it approximates the sentiment. The other reason is that a woman sent me a song the other night, have a listen to this before you go to bed, she said.
I actually listened to it the next day as I was going into the shop. It was a bit of a nothing song, though clearly it meant something to her. It got me wondering about the nature of these things. What happens when someone you like recommends a dud song to you? Worse still, that person you’re getting all squishy about as you start falling in love makes you a mix tape full of just rubbish music. You can imagine that sinking feeling as you listen to a mindless combo of bubblegum pop and inane dance music. Is it enough to kill off fledgling love? I suspect it is.
That’s how I’m feeling. Attractive as she is, I deeply bored by this woman who sends all sorts of things all the time. I’m too well-mannered to tell her – there’s nothing worse than being told you’re boring. That’s what I am, bored by her conversation and befuddled by the variety of links and music she sends me, none of which is particularly profound. Truth is, boredom kills desire. She could do the dance of the seven veils before me and I doubt I’d feel a thing.
That’s something that should end, which is ironic because I effectively ended it the other day with someone I have a much closer rapport with.
I like her. Fun, smart, confident lady. She likes me. We’re just in different places, and I felt I had to tell her. Sure, we can do all the things she was so eagerly teasing me with, but the fact is you’re not what I’m after, and I don’t think that’s something I can compromise on yet. That’s pretty well what I said. It seems hard-line, but you can’t go leading people on believing something that isn’t the case. I’d love to have red-hot sex with her, and may still, but the bottom line is that I want kids still, and she’s got all she wants.
* Do people still do mix tapes? It’s a bit different now that tapes – cassettes – have virtually ceased to exist. And I tend to think it’s a bit of a generational thing. Plus the crap music these days doesn’t encourage it either.