It’s not Daisy, it’s the beast

Driving into the shop this morning I thought for about the millionth time that the little toy ‘micro’ cars shouldn’t be allowed on the road – Jazz, Yaris, Getz, Barina, and so on. They infuriate me, especially when I’m stuck behind one of them.

I find them a huge affront on several grounds. From a purely practical point of view they clog up traffic. They doddle along travelling somewhere between 5-10 kmh beneath the speed limit, and driven by people with little road sense or awareness. They’re off with the fairies, indecisive and oblivious, which explains perhaps how they came to purchase such a toy.

Cars like this offend on a deeper, more masculine level as well. Any car a few good-sized men can pick up and move is not worthy of the name. There are ride-on mowers that have more get up and go than these things. I tend to think anything less than 2.6 litres is girly, but most of these are have a mere 1.0 litre engine. Good grief!

It’s clear that for those who choose to drive these things that they’re no more than a conveyance, notwithstanding the odd kook who calls their car Daisy. To me that’s un-Australian. We live in a vast and rugged land. For many of us our car is affirmation and expression of who we are, and fuck it’s meant to go quick and sound good. None of this wind-up toy crap. At it’s most pure driving a car is a visceral experience. It’s not a fucking conveyance, it’s a way of being.

Now I recognise that little old ladies and maiden aunts need something to drive as well, to which I’d suggest they get a scooter and be done with it. If it is to be a conveyance then it should be as unobtrusive as possible, and not clog up the traffic. For what it’s worth I reckon micro cars should be illegal. They don’t belong in a land such as ours.

Whilst I’m on this subject let me take aim at Mercedes drivers, who run a close second to micro cars as least favourite in my book. I wouldn’t buy a Merc, but I can admire their engineering and occasionally think they look alright. I might actually go a Mercedes SLK, or an old fashioned SL, which are cool cars, but the rest are just too establishment for me. My complaint is less with the car itself, however, than it is with the people who drive them.

I get behind a Mercedes and I know it’s going to be a ponderous, cautious drive. Let’s face it, it’s become the car of choice for conservative old people, as well as right wing dictators. They’re driven by old men barely visible from behind they’re so shrunken, hunched over the wheel as if it’s the space shuttle, muttering in some European language as they cautiously take every corner and eye off every potential peril. Or else women with platinum blonde coiffs and botox so significant that facial expression is now fixed in place.

Get stuck behind a Merc and you just have to accept you’re in for a slow ride.

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