Finding a way

I’ve seen three different accountants in the last 3 weeks, seeking advice and guidance on the predicament I find myself in. Two of the three have unhesitatingly advocated that I declare voluntary liquidation. The third, a friend of mine, suggested otherwise. Though my situation is parlous I’m going with him.

I can see the point of declaring bankruptcy. Sometimes it gets too much. You’re like a swimmer tangled up in seaweed. You can’t make any progress and inevitably you flounder. Better to cut through the weed and free yourself than drown.

I see and understand that, but I don’t think it’s something I can do if I have a choice in the matter. I’ll back myself to swim clear of the binding weed, by brute strength and guile and luck.

No matter how old-fashioned it is pride comes into it. Being pig-headed is one of my enduring traits, whether I like it or not. There’s not much sense in being stubborn. It’s a reflex, a knot that tightens the more you pull at it. It has it’s upside, but at the same time leads you occasionally to foolishly intractable positions. I know that too well.

I feel that reflex tug in me as soon as I contemplate pulling the pin. It draws me back from the edge. Think again H, find a way is the message that filters through.

I’ve sought a way for what seems like an eternity now. I’ve fought hard and long and often with a cunning borne of the extreme situation. I’ve felt overwhelmed by it often, worn-out, occasionally beaten, but each time I wake the next day and resume the struggle.

The situation is dire, but I continue to fight. I make small inroads, find the tiniest of fissures which I exploit. Like the sorcerer’s apprentice there seems too much than can be humanly dealt with often, yet there are small victories here and there amid the setbacks, time won back in order to fight another day.

After all of this I can’t now just roll over and give up. Can you understand? I don’t know if this is at the 11th hour or the first, but for my sanity I have to believe that salvation is not far away – if I can hang on that long.

I’ve become combative and defiant throughout this, and something fierce has sprung from it. That works for me. I need to see what I battle against. Being pig-headed makes you very competitive. It’s hard when you feel things arrayed against you that you cannot see. Rather than fighting on one front you feel yourself turning to do battle on a thousand fronts. Now I have a word for what I’m looking to defeat: bankruptcy. I’m anti-bankruptcy.

Of course there are much better reasons to avoid bankruptcy than mere combative perversity. To become bankrupt eliminates so many options. Many of those options represent opportunities I would like, and believe I need, to exploit. I can’t rely on others. I have to do things for myself. Becoming bankrupt makes it so much harder to make your way as an individual.

That’s how it stands now. It’s not entirely up to me. This is my wish, but others have the right to take that choice from me. I have to guard against that. Despite the extremity of my situation I find something stimulating in it. It’s like a game of chess where I have few pieces left on the table and am desperately trying to protect my king. It taxes the intellect, but there is a desperate pleasure in the exercise. This is something I’m good at, and in times such as these it’s good to be reminded of that.


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