The wind has abated, the sky is blue, the sun shining, it’s a new day.
After a week (or is it a year?) of mental gymnastics trying to figure everything out, my mind has settled in the last 12 hours. I went to bed last night thinking that I knew what had to happen, and woke this morning with it an accepted fact.
First thing is I need to prepare myself. I will fight every inch of the way, but I have to acknowledge that the worse case scenario is right now the most likely scenario. I wrote of it the other day as being the ruin of me. On paper it’s hard to argue against that. If it’s to happen though it can’t be seen as the end. I will go on. I need to prepare myself for that acceptance lest bitterness and despair sour any possibility of that. If I have to start again then that’s all there is to it. Obviously I’ll be trying with all my might to forestall that scenario.
It’s crunch time for me otherwise. I sit here in my comfortable home with birds tweeting in the background and the sun blazing through the window at my back. I can feel the warmth of it. My rent is due on Monday, but as of today my bank account is overdrawn. I won’t be paying the rent.
This doesn’t sit well with me. I’ve always had the reputation of being reliable. I’m aware if I don’t pay my rent then someone somewhere else goes without. It’s not their fault, yet they bear the consequences of my incapacity. People speak to me of priorities, of which I’m very much aware, but I’m also very conscious of doing the right thing. I sacrificed a thousand dollars earlier this month I needed desperately in order to honour a debt. It was the last thing I could afford, yet I’m glad I did it. Before you measure up to anyone else you need to measure up to yourself. No good skulking, or justifying things when in the pit of your stomach it tastes bad. You have to be true.
In this case that will make for an unpleasant conversation. As it stands the situation is that I can’t afford to stay, but nor can I afford to leave. You don’t know how infuriating it is to have no options, and no wriggle room to turn things around. All that is left is honesty. I won’t give the whole story, but have to make clear the vital gist of the situation to the real estate agent. I don’t want to act in bad faith, but what else am I to do? At least then they know, and perhaps we can work out an arrangement – defer the rent perhaps, or else defer the penalty for breaking the lease so that I can leave. I have ideas, but nothing is certain now.
Above all I need to preserve myself. There are things happening to me. I’m in the middle of a dreadful storm. It’s important to remember that this is what is happening, it’s not who I am. I have some say in things, but not a lot. Regardless of outcome I remain the man I am, and it’s important to remember that. Circumstances change, but there’s a lot of pages of the book still to be filled. I remain capable and alert and with a lot still left to achieve.