Waiting on the gods

Whenever I get a little down, or begin to doubt, I remind myself that I am the master of my own destiny. I take comfort in the thought that ultimately it comes down to me. That may seem a daunting expectation, but I rarely feel that. There are times I am weary with it; times when it seems futile regardless of what I do. Those times pass though. There is little real choice in this. You can choose to act, or not. Not acting seems hardly an option. Get involved and you have a chance. And for me that’s a chance I want to be focussed on and actively striving to make real. I don’t want to leave that to other people, or to fate. I can’t believe in that, and am too particular to hand my destiny over to others. Despite everything I remain faithful to myself. I believe in the chance because I believe in myself: I can do this. I will do this. That’s my creed.

That’s a creed to live by I think. It’s the creed to see me out I expect. For all of that though it is not nearly as simple as that.

I can fail regardless of my best efforts. Determination and intelligence is no guarantee of success. There are no medals given out for effort. Chance exists as a real element – unforeseen, unpredictable, unreasonable events can ruin everything. And the reality is that no matter how determined you are to master your destiny you must rely on others on occasion. You control this much potentially, but much more is at the mercy of an unsentimental world.

That’s the situation I find myself in at the moment. I’m at the pointy end of several conundrums. Though the situation is challenging I’m functioning well. In fact I’ve never felt as adept as I do now – ‘fitness’ has been thrust upon me. Though the situation is challenging, and becomes more challenging every day, I am active in battling against it. Connect an ECG to my brain and it would go off the chart. I am forever thinking, calculating angles, options, peering deep into the shadows to discern what opportunities are hidden there. I’m busy following them up, putting stratagems into place, make calls, sending emails, driving ahead.

The result of all this activity has been almost nil. I am discouraged by that sometimes. I am exhausted occasionally by all the effort I’ve expended for no effect. Almost always I recover from that within a few hours. I have to keep doing. If I don’t nothing will come. If I do something should break, some time. The key to it is to keep on keeping on, and to do it with some intelligence.

Sometimes – often – there is so much I can do. I do what I can and send out into the world my latest venture. I don’t live in a vacuum. I rely upon other cogs turning my way, upon a world receptive and willing to cooperate. I can charm and cajole to smooth that process, but ultimately the decision is out of my hands. That’s the situation I find myself in now.

If I step away from my situation for a moment it seems a bit like a cliffhanger. The clock is ticking, louder with every second. Ahead doom lies in wait, speeding towards me. Salvation is somewhere about, but it dallies. The great motor takes time to warm up, and needs skilful operators. I have done all I can for now. I have alerted those who could save me of my situation, though without hyperbole. They are interested enough to help out, and promise to do just that. At the same time they have other things on the agenda, other priorities, besides, bureaucracy slows them down. Will they come to the party in time?

That’s where it sits. I’m on tenterhooks. I try to hurry them along, respectfully, without seeming too desperate – desperation is a turn-off. At the same time I cast about to delay my impending doom, and keep a look-out for other rescuers.

That’s what it comes down to. This battle is a big one. It looms very large, though I know that even if I lose it will not be the end of me – though it will be a very serious setback. I hope and proclaim to be the master of my destiny, but the truth is that there is much I have no power over. In the end I can only do so much – and a little more – living at the mercy of the gods.

PS I seem to write pots like this on a regular basis. That’s symptomatic of the times. Writing it down like this, proclaiming it to the world, also serves as a kind of affirmation. Write it down and it makes it real. It’s also an act of defiance: I’ll not give in.


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