Mea culpa

I should make it clear in light of my last post that I’m well aware of the underside of things. Vanity is vanity, you might know it, doesn’t mean you can disable it. I know, for example, that while I take great pleasure in feminine company, in being with, flirting with, having sex with, there is a lot else going on. It seems pertinent to concede that there is a sense of affirmation whenever I successfully seduce – or am seduced – by a woman. This is hardly unique, and in fact is pretty base. It validates something – something much too big for me to go into here. It’s a tick to say, still got it baby, and to heave a resultant sigh of relief. As a single man who has an aesthetic appreciation of women that’s very important to me.

Then there’s sex. This is off subject a little, but worth recording. I have to admit that I am, in my present state (that is, the state I’ve been in since about 17), that I am driven to variety. I become intrigued by different women, and want to experience them. As I get older I realise that I seek greater difference, as if I have used up my conventional desires. The illicit becomes more attractive because it is illicit. Bending a woman to me rouses because of the challenge in it. Basic, dirty sex becomes fun because it feels like I go beyond the conventional mores of my class. Looks, attractiveness, still count for something, but less than before. What becomes more interesting are degrees – of difficulty, of challenge, of divergence, of respectability. Doing things twice the same way, or with the same person, seems dull. It is sensation and novelty as much as it is sexual expression and release. Again, none of this is news.

The other thing I’ve noticed is how sex for me has become an outlet. This is new to me. It;s a way for me to dissipate the energies that have built up in me. I rid myself of the odd toxic element by converting it into sexual energy. This is interesting, though I’m not sure that it is desirable.

I want, intellectually, to move past all of this. I have to if I want to achieve the aspirations set out in my previous post. I’d love to fall in love, and to infinitely entertained by the variety of sex I can have with the one person I love all the way through. That’s the adult and sensible way of being I want to attain, knowing that with that person sex becomes a part of the enriching, satisfying whole – and not the end in itself, as it has become.

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