There was a period of about an hour yesterday when I felt as near to being depressed as I ever do. I was abruptly struck by the full gravity of losing a friend who once upon a time might have been thought of as my bestie – certainly I was his. I felt that queasy feeling in my stomach. For a while I felt close to being overwhelmed. I felt hurt and betrayed, bewildered and desperately disappointed. I knew there was nothing I could do – even if I thought differently, I know I couldn’t believe in him, or our ‘friendship’ any longer. It was over, and for all my sorrow I felt a contempt for what I thought of as an inadequate character. I wondered how it got to this. I wondered what stupid conceit led him to act as he did, though by now I should know. More than anything I felt my self, the thing that is me, deeply wounded, like a bruise on my soul.
Who really cares about me, I wondered. Who do I matter to? In whose thoughts do I feature? Anyone? If I can be so casually disregarded, what does it say about me? His indifference to my sistuation made it even worse. At a time when I need friends more than ever he casually trashes our friendship, and me. What do they say: you find out who your true friends are when the chips are down? It seemed like another cruel twist in what has been a miserable year. It seems hardly conceivable, yet I think I’m bound to lose another by years end. Seems careless.
I’m sad now. It’s right to be sad. For all this crap now, we shared some good times, and forged a deep bond. To lose something like that is not easy, nor should it be casually discounted. So I’m sad, but the best thing I think I can do is turn my back on it. I’ve got enough to worry about. I don’t need people adding to my woes, I need friends by my side who will help ease the burden. Ultimately this is just another thing to deal with, and I will. So I forget this, hopefully, tomorrow.
directlyThe Free Dictionary: In a direct line or manner; straight: The road runs directly north. →