There is another possibility I realise.
Many times in my life I’ve striven to achieve things from a competitive instinct and sense of ambition that seemed outside of me. They were there, and so I wanted them. Maybe it was satisfaction I sought, or a sense of achievement, even status, though I can never really recall thinking any of that. It was more simple, see it, do it, own it. Sometimes afterwards I would be left to ponder if I really wanted what I worked so hard to get.
If that was not what I really wanted, what did I really want?
This is the question I ask now in light of my last post, and the post a few days ago. Throughout I’ve considered it from the position that by and large, this was the real me, badly flawed, inclined to fuck up, and perhaps occasionally apt to adopt a role to make it work for me. What if it goes back further than that though? What if the man I am now isn’t the real, or original me? What if I’ve forced myself – for reasons I can’t begin to understand here – to become the person I am, and that, in effect, I have for years since acted from a position of hubris? When did I dam that river, or change its course – and why?
I’m considering something quite radical in my life. In my professional life, I’ll often conduct workshops on issues of vital importance to the business. We’ll sit down, I’ll ask questions, posit scenarios, and between us we’ll pull things apart and put them all back together again – hopefully in a much more meaningful and efficient way. That’s what I’m thinking of doing with my life. I’ll get some close friends together one Sunday afternoon, crack a few bottles of wine to help with the candour, and proceed then to pick me and life apart, and put it back together again. Who am I? I see myself one way, but others see something different. What are my strengths, my weaknesses? I’ll be calling upon opposing perspectives to frame my place. What do I need to change, what should I promote? Who is the core H, what do you love about him, and what don’t you?
From this I hope to get a more rounded and accurate perspective on myself. I may not like it, but then that’s the value in the exercise. Need to understand, and own up to things, before I can act on them. I’m at a certain stage of my life when certain subjects are more pressing. I’ve gone this far professionally, but should I go another way now? If I ditch the hubris, the pride, what does that tell me? Personally, what do I want? Do I want to screw around or settle down? How do I do that? What should my expectations be? Need some reality.
Now I don’t know what will come of that. And don’t know how true my speculations are. Am I am who I am? And who then is the original, if not the real, me? And can I go back? Do I wish to?
I don’t know the answers to that. I know all of us change as we go along. Whether the change in me has been natural or forced I do not know. I know that if I have made of myself something different that it would not be possible if the base elements were not in existence – I can’t make something different of myself if the materials do not exist. I may be different, but it may also be just an elevated, and slightly skewed, evolution of who I began as.
I’m curious to know though, can’t wait to learn: what do I really want?
- We create our life in the workshop of our mind (selfawarenessforchange.wordpress.com)
- Inner life is the workshop where outer life is created (selfawarenessforchange.wordpress.com)