It’s a new day, and after the shock of yesterday’s news have moved on. I find this is a familiar pattern. I’m naturally combative, so when I am challenged I bristle from reflex. My instinct when attacked is not to defend, but rather to fight back myself, and to go for the jugular. I admit there is pleasure in this sensation. I want to win, and scorch the earth.
Throughout this there seems another self perched on my shoulder watching. This self is more calculating, and generally more generous. He measures. He may well turn his findings into some clinical plan of action, but just as likely these days he will soften and become more philosophical. That is how I find myself today.
The situation is this in a nutshell. In February this year I had to move out of my home. We agreed I would move into mum’s for the interim, both to assist her with her issues, and to give me time to assess my next step. In between giving notice and moving in mum was admitted to hospital. She never came out. Nine days after I moved into her home mum died.
Since then there has been the funeral, a lot of time away in Asia, and the odd week in residence. My intention initially was to stay until the estate was sorted and to caretake the property. At the time I was uncertain whether I might not end up working somewhere else – still a possibility – and so I did not want to commit myself to a lease that I probably couldn’t manage anyway.
In the meantime of course mum’s will has been challenged by the steps. That complicates things drastically and drags things out. So be it. Then I get a letter asking me to vacate this property within 2-3 weeks. I protest, saying that it is neither reasonable or feasible, that it is the last thing mum would want, and furthermore it’s just plain silly. It was at that time I was told that there had been complaints made, that it was the desire of the steps that I should vacate the property.
That’s when I saw red. It seemed bloody-minded for the sake of it as my presence here can be of no practical consequence. I was surprised, particularly as Kyle – someone I’ve always been close to – is one of those demanding this. It signaled to me their intent, to go hard, to play dirty, and, I think, to try and intimidate (they should have known better – I don’t intimidate. It riles me instead.). As much as anything I was angered that these people should order me out of my mum’s home, my blood, my mother, not theirs.
Yesterday I was angry and determined to fuck them. Today I wake up with more equanimity. I’m fortunate in that this is a very reliable mechanism. triggered by a defiant distaste of being beaten. I never cease to function. When things are at their worst and I appear to hit rock bottom I bounce. Every time, touch wood. I go forward, I remain positive.
Today I am dispassionate about what has occurred. It is what it is. It means major inconvenience to me – I’m now condemned to months porting a bag of clothes, a laptop and a dog around to kindly friend’s homes to sleep on their couch. I just have to deal with that though, and have put the angst of that behind me.
I now know the rules of the game – they’ve shown too much hand too early. I’m not sure I want to play by the same rules, unlike yesterday. I’ve come to realise that people will do desperate and cruel things when they think they must. Not all, but more than you think. I don’t want to be that way. I know that mum would be aghast at what has transpired since her death, and ashamed of Kylie. That’s for Kylie to deal with. I don’t want to stoop that low.
I believe in karma, which might seem strange for a man who so manifestly lives for self-determination. I believe karma is a balancing concept in life. Whether it does or not in fact I believe that our actions should have consequences, both good and bad. It’s on my mind more often than not, and stays some of my baser instincts while encouraging the more generous. We are all of this earth, and no-one is made better than anyone else. That is in our hands.
And so today I’ll deal with the facts and make my arrangements. I’m still determined to win through, but without the malice I felt yesterday. People have their own conscience to deal with; karma will sort them out. For me, I just want to go forward and to continue going forward. I want to be the better man.