That which I will not name

Amid all the indifferent and occasionally nasty stuff I’ve had to manage over the last 6-8 months there has been one, very sweet introduction into my life. The world moves in mysterious ways, and while chance plays a big part so too does intent. I was oblivious, fixated on the issues that demand so much of me day after day. In that zone I seek pleasure and distraction where I can find it. As it so happens that I found in one of those outlets someone waiting for me – though waiting is hardly the word. I thought nothing, then I began to think something. I began to wonder. I was intrigued enough to look deeper. What I found surprised me.I looked about me as if I had been asleep and just now roused. I felt conflicted and torn, my head thinking certain things while my heart and other places said otherwise. I felt flattered too, and somewhat beguiled, amazed to find such fascination in myself. I did not know what it meant, but then that was some of the allure I sensed. Yes or no; go or stay? What choice is there really? I stayed; I said yes.

Months have passed now, though not that many. I know I made the right choice. To my utter surprise I found myself slowly falling for an entrancing woman. That has passed now. There is nothing slow now, though there is delay. I have fallen. I am there but for a whisker.

It amazes me. It feels not like me, even though I feel more me than for many years. I am amazed at how much I have opened up. I am a man so full of pride and attitude and independent obstinacy that I hardly believed I could be anything other. Part of me never wanted to be anything different to that. Yet look at me today. The moment came that I let all that go. I shared things I could never imagine, not even with my dearest friends, not even here. Rather than embarrassment, or even shame, I felt liberation. I told of the things that made me feel abject, I opened up on the things that make me feel. I shared my weaknesses, willingly, the words slow at first growing as I spoke more as if this was something I needed and this person, here, the woman who might love me, the woman I needed.

I wonder often. I try to trace how I came to this place from where I was before. I try to discern a key thread, a magic ingredient. Then I think there is none, it is the cloth complete.

When I am not with her IO think of her. I miss her. I think of the things I want to say. I imagine the things we will share. I feel it, her, in me, in everything I do. Then when we are together again I feel enlivened. I feel like I can feel again, like the nerve ends have been exposed once more to this delight. I smile. I feel generous, warm. I want to please her. I want to adore her. I want to please and cherish her. I want to fuck her. Again and again and again.

Desire plays a huge part. I am that sort of man. I am sensual by nature, and strongly, sexually attuned. Every woman I am with I will want to know in that way deeply and repeatedly; desire as an expression of… As it happens she turns me on. We turn each other on. I can taste her in my mouth, and when I don’t I want to taste her again. I think of her. We talk of it. I want to slip my hand in her clothes. I want to see the glow in her eyes. I want for her to hunger for me as I do her. I want to feel her desire and sate it, today, tomorrow, forever. I walk around like this, my whole body a raw and juicy nerve. I can’t get enough.

What does this mean I ask myself. I hesitate to answer. For a long time I held back. I thought to be sensible despite my feelings. I told myself, don’t get ahead of yourself H. But then somewhere that became irrelevant. What place did common sense have in this scenario? Why hold your present hostage to the future? Why abbreviate your pleasures in the blissful now for fear of what might – or might not – happen in the future?

I don’t know what will happen. I hope for a lot, more than I have for a long time. It is not simple though – when is it? If we are to be then we must overcome some obstacles in our path. I don’t know how that happens, but I am hopeful. I think, somehow, that we are more likely than not to be together. Still, I cannot know that and right now it matters only that I feel this right now for her as she does for me. Though I can’t speak for her I think the feelings I have expressed here would be reciprocated by her. It feels wonderful that so marvellous could feel the same way for me. Right now it is an intoxicating mystery, one neither of us can possibly get enough of.

What can I say about her? She is an attractive, extremely sexy woman of grace, intelligence, wit and attitude. She is a wonderfully warm person with an unselfish and naturally generous nature. I can’t imagine her being anything other than a friend of choice and a wonderful lover. I am flattered by her company, moved by her loyalty and devotion. I trust her with my life because I believe in her. I hope to journey a long way with her; I want to share all that I have, and give of myself again and again.

I will say no more of her now until…I don’t know. I wanted to share this, and sit here now surprised at and how much I have put out there. It feels nice to articulate it, but I need to cherish her close to me, privately. Till the time comes I’ll revert to the enigmatic H.


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