Go to sleep!

I had one of those nights last night when I seemed to be dreaming constantly. Most dreams I couldn’t recall, but in one there were a number of women from my past featuring in different roles, and turning up at different times. There was no romance with any of them, regardless of what had happened before in real life. I drifted through the events of the dream, a party it seemed, I moved from inside the house to out where the festivities continued. Amongst all the light-hearted fun I felt separated, a sensibility that took in the events without really joining in, a mind that observed and assessed and wondered. Near the end of the dream I met with  girl I had encountered at the beginning of it. We had talked in the early part; now she was in the spa and urging me to join her. Finally I agreed, I’ll just go in and change I told her. No need for that, just take your gear off and get in she said, that’s what we’ve done. And the dream ended.

What’s interesting for me is the girl who featured most. She is not like that in real life. She is not demure as such, and is very pleasantly cheeky, but nor is she likely to invite a naked spa without a skinful of jager bombs. More interesting was that she showed up at all. The other women I’d had some relationship with, but not with her. We’d got on well and another time might well have connected more deeply – we liked each other – but it was not to be. C’est le vie, and very 2011. We’re Facebook friends still, and occasionally exchange messages there, but I might need a better excuse than that to catch up with her.

Earlier in bed I had lain there in the dark. Somehow I had come to think about how we urge ourselves to live in the moment. That was fine I thought, but we also have to live for the future. Though I had been an advocate for fully engaging in the here and now, it seemed empty as I lay in the dark, a catchy slogan with little relation to reality. The here and now passes perpetually, or rather the here and now becomes the here and now and becomes the here and now. If this is how we aim to live then we risk living in a perpetual Groundhog Day, living in these moments without considering, without working for the life to come, and putting in the work to make it so. Living purely for now is the psychological equivalent of living through our senses, it discounts the passage and sweep of time, and all that encompasses. That’s where the weight of life is, in the hard graft to make hopes reality, in reacting and responding to the challenges as they come by. Life, for me, is in the spiritual and intellectual journey that starts in one place and gradually carries me forward to some indeterminate destination forever over the horizon. I’ll probably never get there, but that seems irrelevant. One day it will be the last day of my life, probably, but the vast majority of days will not, and haven’t been as yet (I think), touch wood. Why live for that?

Earlier I’d had a few drinks with a friend in a city bar and ventured home on the train listening to my music. He had told me how he had bumped into Paige and heard her story. I was curious and all, but not more than that. It was in me though, soaked in red wine, and the the remembrance of all these women I have left behind. I wished there were some way to make things good with those I had cared for, and with whom it ended badly. I needed no more than that. I’m sorry I would say, I hope you understand. I never meant/I shouldn’t have/I was not who I should have been. I have no problem in accepting blame for when I am culpable, the problem is getting the opportunity to express it. I got off the train and walked home in the cold. Did it matter? Not really. Not to them certainly, not now. And though I would wish it different, not enough now to do something that would more likely create a disturbance than resolve a difference. Life goes on, and there’s always tomorrow.

And so last night I dreamt of those women, the circuit completed.

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