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The other night I had a particularly vivid sexual dream. For all my focus on it my sexual dreams are surprisingly few and far between. That was one reason this one seemed so different.
The other reason was that it was fun. I didn't know the woman in the dream but she was clearly into me. I was hardly passive, but she took the lead, pressing herself onto me, suggesting things as if she wanted to prove her attachment to me. It was fun in all the ways you can imagine, and after I woke the residue stayed with me for hours after. It was nice, I felt alert and alive and even more switched on than usual.
The dream was interesting in other ways. The woman was younger than me, attractive and firm in body. She was not someone I recognised, but she had a resemblance to a woman I know. I thought about that after I woke. I wondered if there were a message in that for me.
The woman in question has a boyfriend she proclaims to be in love with. We get on very well, hitting it off naturally. I don't think much more of it than that, though I like her as a person and find her fun, and maybe a little sexy. Nothing out of the usual there though.
On her side I know she likes me and finds me interesting and fun and a little provocative. I'm different to what she's used to. I've sensed for quite a while some attraction in her for me, and have felt flattered in a way though I haven't taken it seriously.
After I woke from my dream I associated the unknown woman in my dream with her. Physically they were very close without being the same, and the attitude and cheek were similar. Later I thought the dream was the reflection of something I already knew inside me: that she is tempted.
A week before I had another, much gentler dream. This dream was of Jen, and of her child. Whether she has a child by now in real life I do not know, though it wouldn't surprise me. She looked upon me. There seemed something sad in her, as if the recent past had been imperfect. She was happy to see me though in her quiet way. I was a reminder of other times, and perhaps of an alternate future she might have taken up. I can't remember if we spoke. I remember her explaining to her child of me. And I remember the sense of reconciliation in our meeting.
It was a good dream, and like many times before I woke thinking that it was a kind of sign. Nothing deep or remarkable. I considered maybe far away over the seas Jen had thought of me, and somehow her thoughts had made it to me in the shape of a dream. That's the sort of thing I believe in.
Then last Friday on the train to work I saw at the end of the carriage Paige's boyfriend. I see him from time to time loping around the streets with a dumb, drug-fucked smile on his face. Once or twice I have seen her. On this occasion he was with someone else.
I had to look hard to prove it wasn't Paige, but though while she had a vague resemblance to her this one was shorter, her hair longer, and she did not have the strong build of Paige. I wondered at that, looking from the corner of my eye. While they were not intimate they were close, and they got off together at Richmond to catch a loop train. I concluded that Paige had finally dumped Paul, and he had taken up with someone else much like her.
Later I mentioned it to Becky. Becky was part of the fall-out when Paige went ballistic. "Do you think it might be a good time to email her again" Becky asked. "Maybe for you", I said. "Not me". I didn't say it, but it was in my head: too long, and too much has happened since. we've moved along.