I’ve tried to lead a quieter month but nothing much seems to change. Out last night, out the night before, generally out 1-2 nights through the week as well. Being out generally means eating and drinking and late nights and women. Most of the women are platonic – ex-girlfriends or old friends – but with some there is the frisson of potentially more. Part of me likes this, hell, part of me likes to be attractive to other women, and sometimes even to indulge in some idle fancy.
Truth is that while there are women in my life that I like and some that I am drawn to in all the old fashioned ways, there are none besides the obvious who I harbour any great hopes for. And so I do my eating and drinking, I flirt and tease and in turn am flirted with and teased. I get messages on my phone, emails, that make me smile and to which I sometimes respond, but I wonder when I am more sober what it means for me.
A few weeks ago when I had my little escapade I was told by the woman in question that I didn’t understand what I had. She seemed to suggest that I sold myself short, unaware of what I had to offer. This confused me at the time – after all, I do pretty well, am successful and kept busy with a variety of women. I have a lot of women friends. I was well aware this was no accident.
Still, her comment stayed with me, and over time I came to see it in another light. What I suppose I represent to women is wit and intelligence, I’m interesting and confident and a little bit different. Apparently I’m rated as a top catch in the office. Whatever.
It was all that stuff though, all externals, all words and persona and attitude. None of it was the stuff inside me. None of it was the softer, more sensitive self, none was the creative or the whimsical self that I am. I keep all that from view – and so in the office I am a man to be admired but maybe a little intimidating; outside the office and in the bars I am more playful, challenging, laid back, but in control; only with very few am I the person inside of those shells. And so I came to believe this is what she meant: that I should trust myself enough to be that person to the world outside, that was the real me, and that me very alluring.
I tried to be that person with the girl, and often was. It was easier with her. She got me. That’s the thing: she got me from day one. That’s very attractive. She saw the work persona and took it on board. She saw the persona outside of work and accepted that too. Unlike others though she saw me not as one thing or another, but as a whole blended of all these things. She was able to see beyond the surface to instinctively understand who I was inside. And so I further opened up to her, revealing more, as she did to me.
It has come in a circle. I felt in the last week or so as if I was living in an in between world, neither one place or another. There has been an almost nebulous feeling of things happening around me of which I could discern little but felt had a direct impact upon where I am heading. I am in transit and feel it, feel myself moving from one world to another, unsure of what that world will be, but innately certain it will be good. But still…still there is the feeling of things happening I need take account of. It is like when you are embarking on a long journey. You take a long look around the house, taking it in for one – it will be a while before you see it again, after all – but also to see that you have not missed something, that nothing you need take with you has been forgotten. That is my life – I head forward, but look over my shoulder just to be sure.
This brings me then to how I started this post. I want to refine my ways and break free of some of these habits. I don’t want to be always a contender, the man women seek to match themselves against merely on the strength of a strong and attractive personality.
Today is quiet – deliberately so. Things have been moving into place and today I have chosen to review where they’re at, and what I want from them. My mind is almost made up.
Work is busy but good. I’m doing well. I’m not sure what the long term future is at this company, but am confident regardless that my career has been elevated to a higher level by all that I have been required to do. We’ll ride that for all it’s worth.
I’m ready to buy another property in the next month or two. And I am very keen to further investigate the bookshop option. It may not be viable, but it feels like something that would be good for me. It will create it as I have dreamed it, and one day I when I consult a couple of days a week or retire altogether I will manage it myself.
In the next few months I will look on the other side of town for a suitable place to live – a good size, a garden, not too far from the city, with all the mod-cons I need. I’m happy to spend a little more to make it just right, though it will be only a rental at this point.
There are those things, but there are things I must properly resolve before I move on. These are the things that have me peering over my shoulder. Forget all the flirtations, the minor infatuations, don’t play the game. Be that person inside if I can to all, and in the meantime go and sort out that one person who can change my life altogether. I know the life I want, and I want her to be part of it – but if she is not to be then I need to know that too. I need the question finally answered before I can properly move on.