My old man’s son

I had a conversation with my boss today. That’s my new boss, who I seem to get on ok with and whose trust I seem to have earned. No probs. The conversation was about my future at the company. There are all sorts of dramas in recent times and a bit of innuendo about where I might end up. At one stage I thought it might be out on the street – the more likely outcome is almost the polar opposite of that: a promotion.

Nothing is certain, I know enough to understand that so I don’t go counting my chickens too soon. Still and all, the basic upshot of our discussion today is that I will be put forward for a new role reporting directly to the CEO. I gather there have been a few discussions regarding this and it just needs to be confirmed. Then I move from my role in Finance to a near-identical role but across the whole of the company, driving process improvement and implementing controls; designing policy and putting in systems. It’s a creative role, it will be high profile and maybe a little controversial. None of that worries me overmuch.

One of the first things I’ll be looking to do is start joining the dots. If a company is like an engine then we have a lot of cogs that don’t mesh – that needs to happen, they need to meet and starting turning in unison towards the same goal.

That’s the palaver. You might expect I’d be happy at the prospect, and I guess I am. This is exactly what I was angling for a month ago. Since then though I’ve begun to wonder how committed I am to some of these things. I am hard-wired to strive and compete – put me in the job and I’ll do it, and do it well. But do I do it because it’s there, or do I do it because I truly want to? Shoot, I think too much, truly.

My dilemma of a week or so ago was of the futility of some effort, but the need for it all the same. I’ll have the imprimatur of the big man, so that shouldn’t be an issue: flash the badge and it’s all good. So, is there a problem?

Right now I figure I’m a little tired, but that will pass. I hear the siren call of other places, of other possibilities and feel myself twitch – but no, not this time, stay good H, stay put for now. I’m not sure I know all I need to know for this role, but I figure I’ll make good, always have, and to be honest part of the attraction is the thought of putting my head in the Lion’s mouth again, daring it to snap shut: not yet ginger.

I guess it’ll mean more dough: always nice. And more influence, power. That doesn’t mean that much to me per se. Power is a means to an end, it enables you to get things done. That’s what it’s about in the end – being challenged and getting it done. For better or worse that’s what drives me, that, and proving again that nothing is too much, ever.

There you go. Can’t ever get past that, and guess I shouldn’t try. I’m my old man’s son. And like always, I talk myself into this, knowing I can’t walk away.

Guess the bookshop will have to wait.

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