My life as pornstar…

I have an unusual life in many ways. Much more than most people I am independent almost to the point of mania. It is no accident that I am a freelance consultant. I am not on the payroll anywhere, am not beholden to anyone nor part of any monolithic organisation. This suits me perfectly. I go in and do the job they ask of me – fix the problem, mend the structure, write the report, and so on. At the end of the day I invoice them for my trouble and move on to the next job, or to other projects.

My other projects are varied, but the main one is to do with my website.

By now the more nosey of you will have figured out what that website is. For the rest of you I’ll make it easy. The site is www.bedroomvoice.com, and basically it’s all about womens erotica.

There are a couple of reasons I want to write about it today. The first reason is simple. The website is a work in progress, and I am not yet trading through it. Recently I’ve had a number of enquiries from people, virtual strangers, wanting to audition as ‘voices’ for the site. The one reason I am not yet trading is that I’ve yet to find satisfactory voices – masculine, sensual, but also down to earth, normal. I’ve had some amusing and occasionally surreal experiences auditioning people, but till now there have been no real contenders. Suddenly though, just as I’m about to head-off there are people out there throwing their hat into the ring.

The second reason is that I want to explain what this is about. Recently I had the experience of having my ‘values’ being called into question by an otherwise intelligent and pleasant woman because I was the owner of a website peddling erotica – or as some people would have it, soft porn. Though I am thick-skinned this judgement got to me. Though I’ve been around the block a few times and know most of the angles blindfold I reckon I’m a pretty moral and upright person – more than average perhaps.

The truth of it is that if I figured that a website on needlework, say, would be a winner, and I had some talent with it then I could just as easily have http://www.needlework.com. But I don’t. My needlework talents are very thin – I can’t even sew a button. What I am good at is expressing myself. I seem to have been born with a sensual streak, and an eye for human nature. What I am saying is that this is pure business – I am not aspiring to be the porn king.

All this started one night when I was murmuring something more than sweet nothings to a woman on the phone. She enjoyed it. You should do this for a living, she told me. Wait until you get your phone bill I muttered, and thought no more about it. Until the next morning.

I woke up the next day and I thought, Hieronymous, maybe you can do this for a living. Tick, tick, tick went the mind. I don’t know exactly how the dots were joined but by lunchtime I had the concept down: personalised erotica addressed in the first person to the woman buying the CD. Your name is Joan and you have blonde hair and blue eyes – well, on your CD you are spoken to directly as Joan, and both your blonde hair and blue eyes are mentioned. Voila!

Within a month a very basic website was created and 3 stories written. Naturally the stories had a few naughty scenes but basically could be characterised as erotic Mills and Boon – romantic but with an edge. How edgy? Pretty edgy. That was what I was most uncertain of, and so sent the stories off to my panel of experts. Can I tone them down a bit? No way! was the answer. The naughty bits stayed naughty.

And so that brings us to here. I was meant to record these stories myself. I have a sexy voice apparently (though a friend, who is in the trade, has a professional disdain for it), but as it turns out have an inability to read and talk at the same time. What comes out smoothly and easily in real life is stilted and forced when I’m reading from the page – which is weird, because they’re my words I’m reading. I’m improving, but still looking for good voices. Anyone?

Anyway, that’s some of the story. I’m no sleazebag. I’m an entrepeneur.

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